So Says The Mouse In My Hair

The Missing Constituency

There's one group of voters that's been completely ignored by every media outlet I've seen so far. That's right, the ever important and always expanding Stupid People Vote. The ignorant and the braindead (by choice, not by birth) are everywhere this election, and last night they spoke. they said, "Do you hear us? We are no longer a minority. Dance with us."

Now, they may have been ignored by the media, but there is one out there who knew exactly how to win their love, that's right, the one who gives them hope and shows them that they too can lead the free world, George W. Bush. NOw here's a man who can give them a voice.

So what does a guy have to do to appeal to the stupid? Step one, you've got to act the part. Your opponent keeps looking like a know it all with all those depressing facts and numbers. practice your Dopey face (no really, is it just me or does he bear a resemblance to Dopey?) and stutter. Remember, Stupid people can only handle a limited influx of information, so say something once. then say it again and again and again so that stupid people don't miss any of your speech.

Step 2. Do not forget the handlers. You see the number one rule of stupidity is: Let Someone Else Think For You. Different flocks of stupid people are led by different sheep dogs. For some it is the preacher, for others it's the dj on the local Conservative radio station. And you must not also forget the rare "literate" stupid person (and remember literate does not equal literature) and write a book. Better yet, let someone else write the book and you won't have to worry about stupid people worrying that you may be smart enough to write a book.

Step 3. Let the stupidity simmer. How long, it's hard to say. Six months is more than enough to get you elected. Two years will let you go to war with a country that had no intention of harming you. Six years and you can get a blow job in the oval office, so i would say, the longer the better (and of course, more physically gratifying).
What does the simmering accomplish? It gets your flavor right into the middle so the stupid person becomes saturated with you. And when a non-thinking-yet-still-acting entity becomes saturated with a specific flavor of personality it is happy. Happy because it's handlers are proud of it, and happy because you are not calling them to think and happy because nobody is telling them not to be.

In the end, remember that stupidity is a thing to be feared. Its acceptance of face value (of course he can't be bad. Why? Because he said he was good. Duh!) is disturbing and it's widespread acceptance will be the death of us all. Please refer yourself to Farenheit 541 for theories as to the end of the world of the stupid and the thinkless.

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 11:43 AM