So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Dear Miss Eliza

I thought I'd try something new today. I'm going into the advice racket. Look out Abby, move over Dr. Phil, there's a new answer on the block.

Dear Miss Eliza,
My business partner of 14 years has been feeling under the weather lately. I would like to make him some chicken soup, but my husband thinks it’ll be perceived as a come on. I don’t want to sleep with him, I just want to be nice?
--Befuddled in Birmingham

Well, as my Paddy used to say, "soup is soup." And he’s right, by itself soup can do no harm. It is when combined with the word "homemade" or the presence of its maker that it starts to feel like something more.

Now, I don’t like to just settle for the easy answer, so here’s some advice. Strip the soup of its maker and its homeness. Mail him a can of soup. But here’s the catch. You did want to make it for him, and you can still get away with that. Dump it in a pan, heat it up, and then here’s the key: Put it back in the can. That way he’ll know that it’s not homemade. Cover the top with plastic wrap, and truck it over to FedEx. If they can send some dozens of a lady’s cookies, they can send a can of soup. AND in twenty four hours.

Oh, and since it was your husband who required you to slog through this chaos for a little bowl of soup, he should be quite ready to pay shipping. See that he does.
--Miss Eliza

Dear Miss Eliza,
Hi, I’m 8. I asked my mom this and she didn’t know, so I’m asking you. Where do bubbles go when they pop?
--Minnie in Minnesota

Bubbles have an ancient and fascinating history. J M Barrie informed the world that when the first baby laughed for the first time the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and that was the beginning of fairies." However, the first baby can only laugh, just the once, but fairies go on and on. How? Through bubbles. Bubbles act as portals for fairies from the world of magic into ours. When the bubble pops, that means the fairy is safely through.
Now, to answer your question, the bubble itself becomes the new fairy’s chief tool for working her art. It configures itself into pixie dust.
You can read more about this topic in my book, "The Secrets of Bubbles," available at any of my fairy godmother’s bookstores.
--Miss Eliza

Dear Miss Eliza,
My mother gave me a lifetime supply of Jell-O for Christmas. But Jell-O starts to get bland after three meals a day for six weeks. Any idea about how I can spice things up a little?
--All jiggled out

Anyone could tell you to try club soda or Bacardi. Anyone could tell you to build a Jell-O wrestling ring in your back yard and start charging money. But since anybody could, I’m going to assume someone already did, and you’re still asking for help. So here goes.

1. A filling in plastic surgery. Granted, it wouldn’t really last that long wherever you put it, but could be fun in the short term. I mean, people dye their hair for a day or two, why wouldn’t they want to take fuller lips or bigger breasts for a test drive?
2. Put one in your cat’s litter box as an air freshener.
3. Drop some of the powder into your hot water heater before you take a shower. A lovely way to bathe yourself in a fresh fruity scent.
4. Use as wallpaper in your nursery. For most people I would suggest cutting out shapes and pasting them as a border, but you do actually have enough to actually wallpaper. If you’re feeling really crafty cut shapes out of the wallpaper and give your baby a snack.
5. Speaking of crafty, Jell-O makes excellent Valentines. Cut out some hearts and write things on them like, "Be Mine" and "Message Me." Then give them to your child to stick in all his classmates’ valentine mailboxes.
6. Again with the borders, but this time put them on the outside of your home to make it look like the gingerbread house from Hansel and Gretel. See how many woodsmen’s children you can lure into your furnace.

Well I hope these suggestions have been helpful. Much luck, and keep on wiggling.
--Miss Eliza


To All My Readers:
If you have a question for Miss Eliza or Doug (the mouse in my hair) feel free to e-mail it to me at selizawalden@yahoo.com And make sure you attach it to a really cool pen name. Thank you.
--Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 5:50 AM