Dear Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza,My daughter starts school on Tuesday and has stubbornly explained that she’s not going without her cell phone. I’ve tried explaining that at six years old she really ought to be able to leave the thing at home (It’s more of a toy than anything at that age, you know?) but this only incites tantrums and talk of ice picks meeting skulls. What is a mother to do?
- Fears A Lobotomy
Dear Lobotomable,
As my Paddy used to say, "What doesn’t kill you leaves you alive." In this context, his sage advice could mean one of several things. First: a lobotomy may kill the you inside you, but it won’t kill you which means you’ll still be alive. Some people would consider this worth living for… but not many. So I would suggest that you let your brat—I mean daughter—take her cell phone to school.
(For future reference, when an advice columnist... or anyone else for that matter... insults your spawn they areprobably insulting yourself as well, but only if you should happen to look hard enough.)
Letting the little girl take a cell phone to school is not irresponsible. Letting a six year old have a cell phone is irresponsible. That bears repeating in color. Letting the little girl take a cell phone to school is not irresponsible. Letting a six year old have a cell phone is irresponsible. Exactly what are you trying to teach your daughter?
To look to society for a picture of who she’s supposed to be
As a family you should all bepermanantly joined at the hip clip
A lesson in money management
An appreciation of the glorious things that humans are capable of
How to enslave yourself to your fellow citizens
Good grief!
I’ll end my personal tirade here. Just promise me you’ll think about it before you have anymore children.
-Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza
Call me cheap, but maybe I’m just cheap. And as a cheap I’m looking for some cheap ways to take a girl on a cheap date. Cheap. Is there anything I can cheaply pull off that will manage to come across as romantic?
Cheapy McCheap.
Dear Cheapy,
Did you know that the cool thing about the Appalachian trail is that it doesn’t cost you money to hike it? It’s true. Of course that's not the same as not spending any money when you’re hiking it… but that’s not the issue. Hiking brings up an excellent point. Nature is free. That’s where the saying "free as nature" came from. Did you know that? Well you’re learning a lot today then. Not only is nature free, but you don’t burn any gasoline… which is saying the same thing… which is called redundant… which coincidentally is called natural.
No it’s not. That’s a lie. But anyway.
p.s. If you’re looking for the coolest book ever written about the Appalachian Trail, try out A Walk In The Woods by Bill Bryson. I don’t know if it is literally the coolest book ever written on the subject, but I do know that it places somewhere in the list of coolest books ever written about the Appalachian Tral.
Anyway, I’m digressing. Nature is free, so a nature date, is at the very least cheap if not free. I'm a campfire girl myself, so you give me a flame and a stick and marshmallows (plural please on the marshmallows) then I’m a happy columnist.
NOTE: the keyest key to a cheap date is picking a date who doesn’t mind. If her idea of a date is candlelight and a place-setting-with-more-than-three-utensils and cloth-napkins, and a wine-glass-that-isn’t-the-same-thing-as-a-water-glass, you are pretty well out of luck. So go forth and scope out nature and find yourself a nice cheap girl, and you too can be a happy columnee.
-Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza,
My dad’s a Christian, but my mom’s Jewish, which means that I’m Jewish too, but I still know how to celebrate Christmas, not that I do it because I’m Jewish because my mom is Jewish. The thing is, my old college roommate (in ’67, ’68, ’69, and ’70) deleted me from her address book. Don’t ask how I know, long story. So I’m wondering if it’s inappropriate for me to send her Christmas cards anymore, since I don’t believe in Christmas and she’s trying to pretend like I don’t exist. We’ll just see about that Cheri! I told you that night with Marc would come back to haunt you, but no, no, no. You just had to go ahead. And look where it’s gotten you!
Wait, I don’t even know if Cheri reads your column. I’m getting ahead of myself. Sorry. If you could just answer the question, my therapist suggested you. He says you’re good with the crazy people questions. Thanks!
-No, I mean I’m almost done with the therapy
Dear No,
You know, it might just be easier to find someone else who still has you in her address book, and ask her if she'd like to be your old college roommate and send her the Christmas cards instead. Of course, you’ll have to make sure that she’s ok with the idea of Christmas… and the idea that you know how to celebrate Christmas, but don’t celebrate it anyway.
College roomies-by-proxy are just as much fun… way better actually… than the real thing, not to mention the fact that you don’t have to remember all those icky fights about who’s towel was left in the middle of the floor, and all those times when she put your CD's in the microwave. It’s all good now. Because, assuming you pick the right person, life was full of peace, love and anti-war demonstrations.
So good luck with that one. I’d offer, but I wasn’t really around for those particular dates.
- Miss Eliza
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 3:41 PM
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