Dear Miss Eliza...
Dear Miss Eliza,I was shaving my legs this morning and as I was working my way up, I got to my knees and rolled my eyes. "Oh great," I said to myself, "my knees." And I said it out loud to myself too, but I promise I didn’t sound crazy because there was no one else around. And if a girl talks to herself in the middle of the woods and there’s no one there to hear her, she’s not crazy, right? But that’s not my question. Well, it is A question but not The Question, you know, the one I wanted to write to you about. The Question is why does hair have to grow on my knees?
Sane in San Diego
Dear Sane,
You know I did something last night that I don’t usually do. I looked up a definition in the dictionary.
Not that I don’t use dictionaries a lot, but generally, I look up WORDS, not DEFINITIONS. Because if I want to know what a word means, I mostly just have to keep hearing it in context, and eventually the definition just breeds itself into my genetic makeup. But the word I looked up last night has not, in all the years that I’ve heard it, gotten any closer to defining itself. So I finally bit the bullet, pulled out my Webster’s and looked up non sequitur. Consequently, it’s now replaced zaftig as my favorite word in the English language. It is (ironically) the most logical word I’ve ever added to my vocabulary. And I think I found my picture next to it, but maybe that was a day dream.
As to your knees, I think we all understand and empathize with your psychological struggles with the hair. It truly is terribly inconvenient from a standpoint of marital bliss to attempt an argument with your husband while at the same time relieving yourself of fur on your knees. It’s a nasty messy gruesome proposition and absolutely to be avoided by the one way known to all mankind. Always shave your knees after the sun has gone down. That way your anger will have been resolved before you picked up the razor, because I know you follow the sage advice of people smarter than me.
Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza
Did A Rod really put a curse on the Yankees?
- Matt in Mo Town
Dear Matt
Let us hope so. It would level the playing field, wouldn’t it? Although last year, I believe what leveled the baseball diamond more than anything else was the atrocious pitching situation that the Yankees found themselves squirming in, while the rest of the universe (a.k.a. haters of the Evil Empire) clapped our hands and skipped with glee.
Alas, ‘twas but one season. And we must remember that words like "atrocious" and "level playing field" are relative terms when we’re discussing George’s Merry Men.
And now that the curse of the bambino has been lifted, I can safely say that curses would do well to become more prevalent in baseball. It gives the fans something to stand together and kill. Perhaps if the Devil Rays (those adorable cute little devil rays that remind me so much of an idealistic high school senior) acquired a curse it would expand their fan base to include people.
And look what diehards you find at Wrigley.
Not that the world needs more diehard Yankee fans. But that’s another can of quantum physics that I will have to contemplate before I write any further.
Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza
Why is it that every morning when I wake up with a hangover, my cat’s fur is a deeper shade of magenta? It doesn’t go away either. It’s been accumulating for a year or two. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a common thing, my hangovers, but even so, I’ve never heard of this before. What’s up?
Polka dotted pastry
Dear Pastry
This is slightly more common than you might think. My Paddy used to have excellent verbal skills betwixt himself and our golden fluff ball more affectionately known as Lip. Lip once told my Paddy about an old catwive’s tail. It seems that whence a cat gives birth to a litter under a blue moon that comes within the monthly reign of Aquarius, the runt will commonly empathize with its person in random and illogical ways, such as turning magenta to deal with a hangover. This is simply a bonding mechanism and will cause no harm to your purring friend. So fear not and try to sleep through these hangovers. Ok?
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 8:40 AM
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