So Says The Mouse In My Hair

The Few The Proud The They

This is the part of the show where Sarah comes out and yells at people and their clichés. "For heaven’s sake," she says, "take the road less traveled and quit boring us all to death." She wants to start with a newie but a goodie. In fact it may, or may not, have even reached the level of cliché at this point, but it is close enough to make Sarah say, "grrr. How about a new question please?" And so, without further delay is Sarah and her They.

Hi folks, I know how much you’ve all been anticipating my answer to this question, right? In fact I’m shocked, no aghast, no shocked that not one of you has written to Miss Eliza and demanded a response. But since nobody did, I’m going to address the topic in my NEW column Cliché Busters. Y’all know what I’m talking about right? The age old question, "So who is this They that everyone keeps talking about?"

And my answer is, stop asking. It’s getting old. Try something new this week, like, "Who is this You that I keep referring to?" It’s vastly more philosophical, baffling, and fun. But I digress.
For those of you who don’t know, they is a PRONOUN that can be used to talk about many things. Whatever this thing is that your THEY is replacing, that’s the ANTECEDANT. This cryptic "They" that everyone talks about all the time doesn’t really have an antecedent and should be capitalized because it’s just so darn special. It also talks a lot, as in, "They say that there’s a war on." Yes, They do say that, and after They say that, then they start saying that to be just like They but they aren’t, and you know it, and they know it because if you ask them who They is, their answer isn’t going to involve the words, me, myself, or I.

SIDE NOTE: that was way fun to write by the way. I just wanted you to know that.

Apparently They are the originators of all of these ideas like the one that goes, "there’s a war on." Which means that They are the creators of the nation’s talking points. Not so strange now that you know, huh? Getting the answer is as satisfying as drinking flat Coke.

But They are not the leaders in some vast conspiracy involving crop circles, oil reserves, and JFK. I’m not saying that there aren’t any cast conspiracies involving crop circles, oil reserves, and JFK, I’m just saying that these conspiracies are invented by actual antecedents and not your generic Them. Got that?

The ones that make me want to groan condescendingly are people that ask "Who is They?" like it’s new, first of all, and secondly, like the answer is so scintillating that it’s worth conversing about. I’m sorry to report to you people that the topic is stale. It’s lost all it’s verve. It’s laying there on life support, when we’re all perfectly aware that it had a living will. Make your peace, and let it go.

That’s all I have to say about that, and so I leave you with a plea. Leave your clichés in high school. Life is so much better than a trite little saying. I know, because I am a trite little saying, and I look upon life with envy and resentment at being relegated to hacks.

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 7:13 AM