So Says The Mouse In My Hair

The Art of Self Depreciation

Why is this an art form? A put down must be handles with style and grace. Use it too much and people will start to move away from you at a rate that will have you wondering about your smell. One might call it too much of a good thing if one was to look at it as a good thing, and we all know how people react to too much of a good thing. See: the macarana.

"But," you ask, "Why do I need to put myself down at all? It’s counterintuitive and unhealthy and no one is going to want to hire me." This is just not true. (except for the hiring thing. Don’t try this at an interview.) Done with humor, an insult to yourself simply means you follow the first rule of life in any form: DO NOT TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY. (BTW, this is a most excellent rule and to be followed in dead earnestness. Bad things happen when you move away from this. For further evidence, see: Julia Roberts. Remember Hook?)

As for practicing the art of self depreciation, you should follow a few simple rules.

USE SPARINLY. This cannot be emphasized enough. All you need is a dash. Like a cooking dash, as in "a dash of rosemary." If you have no sense of the size of a cooking dash, find a recipe and follow the directions. It’ll all make sense.

YOUR NEGATIVITY SHOULD NOT BE THE CENTERPIECE OF A CONVERSATION. It is a sidebar. Lets use an example. Say you’re driving down the highway and you pass under a bridge that has a sign with the name of the road on it. How long is that road sign in your consciousness? Not very.

NOTE: If conversing partner kidnaps your comment and feels the need to play Freud, offer her cheesecake. (actual or metaphorical) This will send you off on a new and more enjoyable subject.
NOTE: said cheesecake (actual or metaphorical) must be handled itself with skill so that your conversing partner doesn’t quite notice that you’re changing the subject.

USE FUNNY. Funny draws the attention away from your actual comment and towards the joke part. This way you can release the pressure (in dashes, of course) of your pathetically low self esteem and disguise it as funny. And if done correctly, no one will ever notice, and you will not be forced to talk about yourself.

I should know. I’ve had to talk about myself before. Completely gruesome.

NOTE: This is my dash of self depreciation. Did you notice? Of course you did, because I wrote it in neon on a billboard and put very big boobies next to it. So if your next question is, "and what’s so gruesome about your life?" I will reply with, "People who become interested in the workings of my brain explode. You don’t want that. Have some cheesecake. I made it myself. It has a dash of rosemary in it."

Three rules. That’s easy enough isn’t it? Of course, some of you need somewhere else to use your sardonic comments on your own psyche. And let me just remind you how many people are out there, begging to be put down. Current favorites: Michael Jackson, Barry Bonds, the entire Bush administration… you can do it. And people want to hear it. And if it’s not about you, you can just make your entire recipe consist of rosemary.

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 9:46 AM