So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Dear Miss Eliza

Dear Miss Eliza,
I really like this girl I’ve seen around, but I don’t know how to go about asking her out or introducing myself. I'm too shy/scared. How can I gain confidence and shed my horrible fear of rejection?
--Gunmetal blah blah blah

Dear Gunmetal,
As it turns out, I happen to be an authority on romantic relationships. ME and them, we’re like this: [] So you’re in good hands. The answer to all of your doubts and insecurities lies in the first comfort that a mother ever gave her kid. That’s right, the bo-bo blanket.

It has scientifically proven magical properties that instill perfect confidence and trust into its squeezer. I have done studies myself. Wrapped in my security blanket, I passed safely through Bluebeard’s castle and single-handedly fended off the Balrog’s first cousin. Granted, these pale in comparison to the formidable foe that is female Homo sapien, nothing short of myth will prepare you better.

"But," you ask, "where can I find such treasure as you speak?" Tis true that the quest for the bo-bo blanket is perilous and fraught with relatives. You will have to journey to the cardboard box in our attic, cryptically marked "baby Gunmetal blah blah blah." But do not be deceived. Only a fully grown man can truly understand and accept the need for his bo-bo blanket. He is not a toddler who can open that box and pull out this soft collection of fuzz balls and memory.

But the bo-bo blanket isn’t for everyone. I admit that. Your next best bet is going to be a kickass cologne and alternate personality schooling. It’s a conscept that I’ve been thinking of expanding, and finally I got some funding left over from Viewers Like You (yes, I’m talking about the PBS Viewers Like You. Don’t ask. It’s a touchy subject) and classes start in October. Wish me luck!

And good luck to you too, Gunmetal.
--Miss Eliza

Dear Miss Eliza,
Is the glass half empty or half full?
--Thirsty in Australia

Dear Thirsty,
Due to the Heinsburg uncertainty principle, it has been proven that you can know either a glass’s fullness, or it’s emptiness, but not both at the same time. A lot of this is due to the dual nature of the glass itself. It is generally conceded that we’re talking about a martini glass that has been sealed shut and flipped upside down. Why? Because they came up with the answer to an average glass that was right side up and needed a challenge.

Sadly, theory is terribly complicated and most people like to deal in the concrete. So look at it this way. If you have eaten a pizza, it is half gone. This "gone" means empty. Therefore the pizza is half-empty. Further evidence can be found in the stomach. If you are capable of eating a whole pizza, then if you have consumed half the pizza, your tummy is half full. Which means the empty half is sitting right there on the table staring at you. So again, the pizza on the table is the half-empty half.

This is a very good way to introduce us to the drink. Lets say someone (who happens to have a much smaller stomach than the pizza person) has drunk half his drink. His tummy is then half full, leaving the drink half-empty.

And also, obviously, sealed shut and upside down in a martini glass.

There you go, an age old philosophical question can finally be laid in a cozy little trundle bed and sung to sleep. We should all be so lucky.
--Miss Eliza

Dear Readers,
Do you have a question for Miss Eliza? Don't be afraid to share it with the whole class. YOu can post it in the comments section, or e-mail it to me at selizawalden@yahoo.com
Have a nice day!

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 12:28 PM