So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Dear Miss Eliza

Dear Miss Eliza,
I find seasons to be irritating. It’s disturbing that I can’t rely on something as fundamental as mother nature to be constant. Why must we have seasons?
--One Weather Man

Dear One,
We must have seasons because if we didn’t, then the fashion industry would die of boredom. Without constantly evolving seasons there would be no way (nor reason) to introduce new designs. This lack of new fashion would mean that everyone would be cool (cool as in the word that used to be called "hip") because we would all be wearing the latest fashion. This would lead to equality which would lead to peace which would lead to love, etc.

And equality and peace and love are boring.

Not to mention, if there were no new fashions, then there would be no fashion magazines, therefore all the advertisers in those fashion magazines would be completely unknown. And when advertisers are unknown, nobody buys their products and they die.

And dead advertisers means that the Superbowl gets to be very boring, since it would only be about football.

So to recap: We have seasons so that the Superbowl isn’t boring.
--Miss Eliza

Dear Miss Eliza,
My husband gave me $500 to take a cooking class. I didn’t tell him I wanted to take a cooking class, the thought had actually never occurred to me. But all of a sudden there was the idea wrapped up with a $500 check in my birthday card. Should I be offended?
--Haven’t Killed Him Yet

Dear Haven’t,
Yeah. He doesn’t like your cooking. But a cooking class isn’t going to help. We love what we’re used to, and we’re used to the cooking we were brought up on. So the only way your husband is going to be happy eating your food is if his mother cooked it. (Assuming of course, that his mother cooked his food while he was growing up.) And since you are not his mother, your food is not and will never be hers. (which is as it should be.)

Fear not however, all is not lost. You can ease his subconscious by serving his food on the dishes of his youth. So buy some new plates. To be on the safe side you might want to replace your cutlery too… and your pots and pans and cooking sheets and rolling pin and egg beater. The mixer you can keep, those are way to expensive to be throwing away willy nilly. And the next time you’re at your mother-in-law’s house, steal an apron.

That should do the trick. As for what to do with the $500, well, he really wanted it to go towards you improving yourself, so I would suggest an art class.
--Miss Eliza

Dear Readers,
Do you have a question for Dear Miss Eliza? Sure, you may not think so. But we all have strange notions attached to question marks rattling around in our brains. What most people need to work on is taking that notion and springing into the outside world. This takes a bit of courage, I know. So I’m bestowing upon you, a medal. Go on, take it. Don’t you feel more courageous already? You should be just about able to share your notion now, so I want you to e-mail it to me at selizawalden@yahoo.com or, if that’s to much work, you can just post it in the comments section. Either way I’ll find it. And I promise, I’ll respond.
Thank you very much.
--Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 1:42 PM