So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Dear Miss Eliza

Dear Miss Eliza
Recently I have met a girl who I have fallen in love with, and I don’t mean your basic, I love her kinda love, but the kinda love that makes you want to do anything for that person, just to make them smile or be happy. Now, though I don’t fault her at all, she has been in an abusive relationship and wont allow herself to become emotionally attached to anyone because she still has feelings for her horrid Ex. So Miss Eliza, what my question is, is what should one do in my shoes?
Sincerely hopeless in love.

Dear Hopeless,
I can empathize with your dilemma. I remember once upon a banana boat, my Paddy had been in an abusive relationship, and as a result he would only have dealings with the opposite sex when wearing a ski cap made out of hot wax. My Paddy was not one for taking care of his hair, as you can imagine.

I myself hand to break down the barriers that separated his broken heart from my nurturing fertile one. It is of course a question of trust. And the most profound sense of trust is related to taste in culture. Do you share favorite movies or books or desserts? These are the types of things that you must cultivate. Invite your lady friend to a movie. You should be the picker because the point here is to make sure that she comes to trust your judgement in these things.

Absolutely no cheating. You must under no circumstances pick a movie just because it’s the one she’s been dropping hints about for the past two months. All of your trust building will be in vain when she discovers that you are only telling her what she wants to hear. And she will. All secrets come out in the end. Isn’t that the moral of every soap opera episode since the caveman first invented the wheel?

"But," begins your next question, "What if we share tastes in movies and books, but can never agree upon dessert?"

Well, dessert is the cornerstone for any relationship, and without this one pebble, your castle in the sky will crash into a stony pile in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Alas, this may come as something of a shock, but one cannot apologize for the truth, can one?
--Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza,

What makes a better pet, a cactus or a Venus fly trap?
--chalky in Chicago

Dear Chalky,

As my Paddy always used to say, "There are two types of people in this world." Everyone knows this already, and I know that because everyone I’ve ever met has said this sentence to me. But the First Law of Cliché states: While each and every person in the world believes there are two types of people in this world, no two people agree on which two types of people these are.

How does this apply? Because there are two types of people in this world. There are cactus people and there are Venus fly trap people. Cactus people are the ones who can never remember to water their plants. Venus fly trap people are sadistic. But who isn’t when it comes to flies. Did you ever squish the mosquito and stick your hand right next to your face for a closer inspection? Right.

Venus fly traps do have that extra zing in their personalities, but they are impossible to potty train. I have been working on mine since high school graduation. Finally I gave up and just stuck it on a wire shelf over my toilet.

But if you’re one of those lazy bums who expects your pet to make you take it for walks in order to get some exercise, the cactus is much more insistent about things of this nature. Each day around 4:00 PM you’ll find them anxiously sitting in front of the door. If you don’t start your walk by 4:15 they will remind you that it’s time to turn your TV off and go stare at the rest of the world. How? Well how would a porcupine do it? It’s like that.

Alas, I fear that I have not answered your question, but I hope that I have given you something to think about before rushing into this weighty and solemn decision.
--Miss Eliza

Dear Miss Eliza,
If I was born in Pennsylvania and you were born in Maine? Does that really made us different? I mean, aren’t we all really the same in that deep ethereal cosmic sense?
--Peace Love and Brotherhood in PA

Dear Peace,

No.

An explanation perhaps? Pennsylvania began as a haven for those who were not accepted in other parts of the Puritan new world. Philadelphia is the city of brotherly love. You come from a land of tolerance and temperate climates.

Maine is not so forgiving. First of all, while we do open our arms to all ye flatlanders (for those of you unfamiliar with the tem, let me just say it’s derogatory, but only on the same level that darn is a swear word. No need to get huffy about it) we also breathe a sigh of relief and laugh at you when you’re out of ear shot.

The climate itself has also instilled certain nuances in our personalities. Winter is harsh and cold and long. And we, if not long, are at least harsh and cold. If you think otherwise, next time you’re in Greenville, Maine try going into the drug store, and see how excited the cashier gets when you say, "Look honey, a soda fountain!" You’ll know what I mean.

Physically, we’re not touchy feely. We’re used to having plenty of space to maneuver around other people. We like it that way.

And we do not talk about oneness in a deep ethereal cosmic sense. If nothing else, this makes me different from you. Better? I didn’t say that, did I? I didn't mean to. So let's say i didn't. Intention is what really counts.
--Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 3:36 PM