A Girl Walks Into A Bar
A girl walks into a bar and asks, "excuse me, where’s the bathroom?" nobody says anything. So she keeps going. "The water closet? The little girls’ room?"The guy behind the counter speaks up. "We ain’t got a little girls’ room. They ain’t allowed in here. Have to be twenty one to buy a drink. See the sign?" He points.
She laughs at his confusion. "Oh, no. It’s just a metaphor. I don’t need a room to put my little girls in. You’ve never heard it called that before?"
"What’s this you’re talkin about?" He frowns. He doesn't like strange criply dressed women laughing at him.
"The bathroom."
"Lady, if you need a bath, you’re in the wrong place. We sell drinks here. Might be able to get one at one a those fancy motel room thingies. You know the ones where the door don’t open with a key, it opens with a credit card? We must have one around here somewhere. Hey Jimmy," he asks the guy hunched over on the last barstool, and also the only other person in the place, "Y’ever see one a them motel doors that opens with the credit card?"
" No, no," the lady interrupts, "I don’t need a bath, what I need is—"
"Uh huh," Jimmy answers the bartender, "took the family down to Florida last winter. Weirdest thing you ever saw, all them girls in bikini bathin suits an all, right smack in the middle of February. It’s unnatural Lloyd. Doesn’t take."
"Unnatural is them doors I was talkin about," says Lloyd, "Creepy. Don’t know what they was thinkin, when they came up with that one. Ma’am, can I get you sometin?" he pulls a glass down from a shelf and starts wiping it with his towel. He's glowering at her.
She ignores his tone of face. "Yes, I’m looking for a restroom."
"Rest Room? Still sounds like you want a motel room. They got beds. Cable tv too. Pretty sure you can even get them," he leans closer and lowers his voice, "naked people movies. I seen one once. Uh huh. Hey Jimmy, where’s that motel with the naked people movies?"
"Oh, t’s over on Park Road. Just about outta town. Can’t miss it. Huge bright flashy lights everwhere. Don’t tell Marlene I know that though."
The two men share a chuckle.
She sticks on her best wince/grin. This conversation is not progressing. "Thank you, but what I’m really looking for is a loo." She taps her toe on the wood floor.
"A Loo? Lady, you’re just full of them words today. I don’t even know what a loo is. Is it like skip to my loo? Jimmy, what’s a skip to my loo?"
"It’s a—" the lady begins, her voice strained.
"It’s a song." Jimmy finishes for her, "The grandkids are always going on. Over an over. Drive a man nuts that would. I wanna shake em, but Mary would bout die if I tried. I get some ear plugs."
"Ear plugs," Lloyd reports back to the woman, "We don’t sell em here, but I got a pair I keep for nights when that other crowd comes in. You know the ones that only show up in the summer and can’t handle their liquor? Yeah, well, them’s plugs are a little used, but you’re welcome to try em. Won’t even charge ya. How’s that sound?"
Her tapping was picking up tempo. "I don’t need ear plugs. I need a lavatory."
"Wow, I don’t think we got one a them in the whole county. They keep those up with all the scientists and whatnot. The big cities. What exactly is so wrong with us I’ll never know. Eh Jimmy?"
"Never had no use for one myself. I know all I need to. I learnd from books, the old fashioned way. Remember that Lloyd? When you used to have to read something to learn?"
"
Sure do. Them’s was the days."
"I’ll drink to that." Jimmy finishes off his drink.
The woman finds her shoe will not tap any faster. "Oh for christ sake, what does a woman have to do to find a toilet around here?"
"A toilet? You mean just a regular plain old toilet? The porecelain kind?"
"With a flush, yes!" She is overjoyed.
"Honey, all you had to do was ask. I gotta say, you got me and Jimmy over here all twisted up trying to figure you out. Turns out, all you had to do was talk English. Not so hard now, is it?"
"Of course. How silly of me." He doesn't catch the sarcasm, "Anyway, could you point me… I mean, where is your toilet?"
"Upstairs. It’s a big storeroom up there, but you should be able to spot the thing all right. It’s white. And the TP’s right there with it."
Lovely. Thank you so much. And when I get back down here could I have a gin and tonic?" She starts up the stairs before she has a chance to hear his reply.
"Gin and tonic?" he asks Jimmy, "the things they learn out there in the world. How to be uppity."
"It’s unnatural," Jimmy says, "goin and makin things complicated like that. With them skyscrapers and gin and tonic and restrooms and all. Be on your guard there, Lloyd. And I’ll have another margarita."
"Coming right up."
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 6:21 PM
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