So Says The Mouse In My Hair

How To Ruin My Favorite Board Game

So I like a good game of chess right? I mean, I’m no great and powerful Oz of the board, but I can lose a fairly respectable game of chess most of the time.

SIDE TRACK: However, when it’s all over and my partner’s laying on the other side of the bed smoking a cigarette and says the age old, "gg," I know he was faking. We all have our tells. I mean, if he really meant it, the least he could do is use whole words. It’s like proposing to someone by saying "WYMM?" to which I would obviously reply "YR." NOTE: For translations, just make something up.

I’m not bad enough to get me to stop playing.

SIDE TRACK: And yes, I’m bad enough at several things to get me to stop playing. Cross reference: Risk, Monopoly, any video game known to man, and balancing my checkbook.

I’m just bad enough to get me to stop playing rated games when I play on-line. And it’s not like I’m playing super smart purple or orange guys either. I do my best to stick with the blue and green ones.

SIDE TRACK: Although, I’m more of an autumn, I can still look damn sexy next to those blue and greens. HA! Me, sexy. That’s the joke, not the part about the blues and greens. I’d never tell you that you were supposed to laugh at my humor that’s so arid it needs a glass of water to get it down. I have more respect for you than that. In fact, I have enough respect for you to understand that reading this is really a waste of your time and therefore you aren’t really, this is all an illusion and the world is going to end in about ten seconds, so read quickly!

But I digress. This is not about my chess playing non-ability, this is a well researched rant on my chess playing pet peeve.

SIDE TRACK: For further griping about non chess related pet peeves, see reality tv, people who don’t think, the Yankees and Dan Brown. About which I can expand my griping upon request, but only if you really, REALLY want to go there. I didn’t think so.

So lets set up the board shall we? We’ve made it to the end game, and you (you savvy chess master you) Have whittled me down to my king and a pawn that’s stranded out there in the middle of the board because he’s facing your pawn. Thanks a ton buddy.

SIDE TRACK: that’s another minor pet peeve of mine, especially when I felt like threatening your minions with my minion, but you saw that coming, stepped up and picketed. Another good one, which I have recently over come the way you use your queen to threaten mine and then we both lose. But in the words of my psychotherapist, "who gives a flying ass?" And she’s got a point. But even she can’t stand my best friend pet peeve.

And I have whittled you down (I use that term loosely) to your king, both rooks and four pawns, three who have somewhere to go. Now listen, two rooks is plenty god enough to end this game, right? Of course. So why in hell do you really need to bring down each and every one of your pawns (or even one for that matter) down to get queened? Meanwhile I’m stuck with my poor impotent king…

SIDE TRACK: How do I love that word, let me count the ways. Is that a girl thing? Because I always get a reaction when I use it (forever in a purely non-sexual way because really where’s the fun in using a word in the context for which it was intended?) Be it male or female company. Granted, I don’t use it for the reaction, I use it because 1. it’s exactly the meaning I’m looking for and 2. It’s not every day you hear it right? It’s still fresh. But ooh, the power.

…plopping him around between like two spaces begging for you to finish this game, but you’re all like, ‘no, no, no, I’ve always wanted to do this," Or whatever. To which I reply with my perfectly timed, "dude, maybe they can get away with torture in military prison, but that doesn’t make it ok." With the possible alternate being, "Isn’t cruel and unusual punishment illegal?"

SIDE TRACK: I’m with her on this one.

Now let’s add something to this scenario, oui? Let’s pretend that we’re playing a timed game. Now I have about… nine minutes left on my clock, and you being your industrious savvy chess master self, have twelve minutes. And I see you there with your two rooks and your pawn almost down to queening range and I decide that this is retarded and you’re being mean. What if I don’t move? I mean, I have nothing to lose because I already did if you’d only just act like it. If I decide to let the time run out so that you have to wait an extra nine minutes to get your win, would you get the message? Or would that just make me a bitch?

SIDE TRACK: has anyone managed to beat game 617 in free cell? Because I can’t figure out how to do it, and I tried for a week. For those of you who don’t know, when my boredom reaches a certain point I like to play free cell, and you know how all the games are numbered? Well for the past couple years I’ve been going through them starting at game 1 and then 2 etc. I hit this snag and 617 and finally decided to skip it & come back later, but if anybody knows how to win, I’d love you to share with me. Thanks.

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 8:43 AM