So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Dear Miss Eliza

Dear Miss Eliza,
Why do some people have a drive to do great things, while others have a drive to see great things, and yet others seem to have no drive at all?
Driven Crazy in Thesisland

Dear Driven Crazy,
Thank you for your inspirational and limpid question. As with driving a car, this sort of driving is also based on a licensing system. Class A drivers want to do great things. Class B drivers want to see great things. And class C drivers failed the test.

Wait, you say, I don’t remember taking this test. When did I take this test?

Little known fact, this is the true story behind kindergarten screening. Between the eye test and the ear test and the part where you soon-to-be teacher gives you a book is this test. Being so early in life it has faded away into the oblivion of our memories along with all those geometry theorems and that song you learned for the piano recital.

The test has three different parts. First we have the interview:

Teacher: Now little Johnny, what to you feel you can contribute to the greater good of your community, your nation, mankind and a future galactic empire?
Kid: I have a dog. Do you know my dog? He’s brown and his name is Duke.
Teacher: What is your impression of the surrealist movement. Do you feel it was a cause of o an effect of early twentieth century counterculture and drug usage?
Kid: I like to play with play dough. My mom has this recipe and we help her make it, and we get to choose what color we want. I like orange.

And so it goes. Points are awarded based on how relevant the answers are to the questions, though actually answering the questions is not required.

The second part of the test is all about the child’s abilities. Those measured are:

whistling
skipping
eating without needing to change your shirt
following one direction
following a Socratic argument
implementing a Socratic argument
Jumping rope
Sliding down a banister
Throwing a right hook

Grades prove that where Johnny is now determines where he will be in 40 years. The grading system is highly complicated with five different differential equations, but the results, oddly enough, are smack on accurate.

The third part is the swimsuit competition. This is a newer addition to kindergarten screening. The first year it was included was 1967. It is a co-ed test, but the boys are asked to try it in their mothers’ high heeled shoes (wearing boy bathing suits) while girls walk the runway barefoot and laugh. It is all about poise, confidence, and hair.

And in the end the children are separated into three categories: Class A drivers, Class B drivers, and class C drivers. And then they grow up and act like it.

Miss Eliza

Dear Miss Eliza,
Why do they make baseball caps of football/basketball/hockey/etc. teams?
- Tam O’ Shanter

Dear Tam
It is obvious that makers of football/basketball/hockey/etc. are big fat cheaters. They are simply too lazy to stick their logo on things that belong to themselves. As my Paddy used to say, "This is tragic." Not only does it teach our children to plagiarize (it’s not like you have notes attached to the hats saying, the design for this hat was originally intended for baseball players) but it show a shocking lack of creativity. I could do so much better. See here:

Football: ought to be selling team shoulder pads.
Basketball: Stick logos on arm/leg/finger extensions.
Hockey: teams should claim fighting styles.
Soccer: Team accents. As in the verbal kind.

Now tell me that wouldn’t be way fun and totally cool.
- Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 5:54 AM