To My Dearest and Most Adoring Public
(That’s all of you, so don’t worry. You can feel free to continue reading. I’m not going to bite your head off. Actually, I’m not going to bite anything of yours at all. I have to teeth. That’s a lie. Confused yet? No. You haven’t even been introduced to Confused yet. If he stops by I promise I’ll introduce you.)It has recently come to my attention that I am a loser. (Ok, that’s a lie. It was not so recently. See, it’s one of those pretty hard to miss things, you know like American Idol or that bus that’s heading right for your head. Duck!)
But this particular incarnation of belittlement has to do with my blog. Have you noticed how few comments I get? Me too.
This is all my fault. You see, I lack pizzazz. Because why else would people not comment on my sharply dressed, insipid words that leave warm fuzzies in your heart? (Don’t worry, these fuzzies will not lead to clotting, It’s more of a hug than anything else.) And I do lack pizzazz. The concept is as foreign to me as the word "sexy" or the implementation of transition sentences.
So obviously, I have work to do. How can I make all you people visiting my site write something? It’s tricky. (I mean, I can’t say I’m surprised. When I start talking the most a get in response is what is referred to as a smile-and-nod.) (For those of you that are not familiar the smile-and-nod can be translated to "and why is this person allowed to walk around on the streets?" to which I reply, "crazy yes, but I’m also completely harmless." Of course, I don’t SAY this. It’s implied in my answering gesture, the headstand-and-giggle.) (Have I mentioned how cool parentheses are?)And it’s hard to turn the smile-and-nod into a comment. But I’m sure that once the move has been perfected, my comments will rise dramatically (in number if not in content) and I’ll step away from my loser blog girl status.
In the meantime I understand that it’s up to me to point a gun at my beloved (and beloving—at least until I pointed a gun at their heads—) public. And so, here goes.
You should post a comment on my blog because it means that you’re smart. You will even get a chance to look smarter by snootily denouncing every word that I have written, much the same way that I do.
You should post a comment on my blog because it’s good buisness. It draws attention to yourself. And we all want more attention. It’s why we dream about being naked. All about attention. Mark me. You want it. This is a GREAT place to get attention.
You should post a comment on my blog because you never know, this could be your chance to get discovered by talent scouts… or writing scouts… or boy scouts. Famous people might read this site. (Why? They’re waiting for me to say something evil about them, which I will… just you wait.)
You should post a comment on my blog because you like to tell people what to do, and this is the perfect opportunity. Think I need more iron in my diet? Or that I ought to stop leaning in on my back swing? Or that I need to fix my grammar? (This could actually be a lost cause. Studies are being performed at the moment to look into this possibility.) TELL ME! I cannot satisfy your every need if I am not aware of them! I don’t know everything (unless I’m wearing my Miss Eliza hat) and I’m not psychic. You must give me directions.
You should post a comment on my blog because it’s polite. Just ask Abby. Even better, ask Miss Eliza. She would know.
You should post a comment on my blog because you want to see how I will react. I can always be counted on for a reaction worth paying attention to. What can I say, it’s a gift.
You should post a comment on my blog because it makes an excellent release valve for pressure. And I should know. It’s my number two reason for writing a blog. (My number one reason is of course to move the people counter.) So blow off some steam and sit back, relax, sip a hot toddy, and laugh condescendingly at my reply to your comment.
You should post a comment on my blog because you vehemently disagree with the statement (made originally by a third party, or possibly a fourth, there’s no real way of knowing) that I am a loser. I know that it is truly your desire to play the night in glistening armor, galloping in to save the reputation of a fair maiden.
You should post a comment on my blog because there is absolutely no better possible use of the 60 seconds it would take to write it. I didn’t make that up either. I have it on the highest authority. I’d tell you, but I made a vow early in my blogging career never to reveal my sources.
And I promise, I’ll work on my pizzazz.
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 4:24 PM
5 Comments:
Blame it on entropy. That's my excuse for everything.
You could always create a full fledged site, with a living/breathing set of forums. I run my mouth on forums all the time. It's fun. I dont do it on your site because I cant be mean to you. I like being mean. Being mean to you would be like kicking a puppy--it'd feel awful and inhumane.
Or just go mainstream and talk about sexual organs, copulating, use profanity (please??), or vivisect the cesspool of modern society/humanity with a dark quill.
:) or just stay intelligent and aloof. You have to understand that intelligent people are always overlooked--while morons like me run amok throwing molotov cocktails and defecating on public landmarks.
What was I talking about again? I forget...Damned entropy...
Do you know complicated very own web sites would be? Me, I have trouble understanding how to use a cell phone.
As for profanity, I don't know as I've got my liscence yet.
Finally!! Someone else who shares my affection for parentheses!
And if it makes you feel any better, this place is like Grand Central compared to my blog (with regard to number of comments). If I could figure it out, I'd periodically have pictures of tumbleweed rolling across the screen when people visited my page.
In fact, let me go work on that. At least it'll make me giggle. Or cry. Not sure.
I actually quite enjoyed your blog, what I read, anyway. The writing is quick and witty. It was a nice visit.
Oh yeah, and you might consider using a different commenting system than the blogger system. It's a little cumbersom. I think you can get a good commenting system at haloscan.com or something like that.
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