Dear Miss Eliza gets Her Toes Pinched
Dear Miss Eliza,I was in the mall today and I found this amazing pair of pumps for half price in the shoe store. I had to get them. I’m not talking impulse, I’m talking force of nature drawing those shoes to my feet. But PROBLEM: The only ones in stock were 1 ½ sizes smaller than my feet. Sure, I don’t let details get in the way of a force of nature. Gives bad karma, right? But still it’s a little annoying. I mean really, why must a girl suffer so much for her beauty?
- Not So Foot Loose
Dear Footsie Wootsie,
Let me tell you a little fairy tale piece of old wives’ lore. Once upon a time there was a girl who loved her father very, very much. Alas, one day whilst heading to market this father got lost and was kidnapped by a beastly prince of a pirate gang. Mr. Dad decided the only way to get back to his daughter was to weave beautiful stories of the girl and his home, so every night he begged to return to his own kingdom.
Sadly, his narratives worked too well and the beastly pirate prince fell in love with the girl from the stories. He agreed to let the father go only if the daughter would become his captive instead. The father agreed.
(Okay, okay. I know you’re thinking he was a real jerk to let his only child become a captive and suffer while he was free roaming the world. But if you look at the situation pseudo-logically, you will find a hundred good reasons for such a decision. Try it. It’ll be good for you. Meanwhile I need to get back to my lore.)
This is how a week later, a girl stood on the dock waiting to board a pirate ship. However she encountered a problem. The crew wasn’t letting her onto the ship. It is bad luck to take a girl to sea, this is common superstition. But she was afraid of what would befall her father should she not present herself to the beastly pirate prince. And so she bargained with the crew. She would accept on her beautiful but slight shoulders all the bad luck to be encountered at sea. The pirates agreed and the beautiful girl set sail with the crew.
Little known until now what that the beastliness of the prince of pirates was a result from an amazing string of bad luck which all started when he stole a pair of shoes from an old hag in the West Indies. But when he heard that his new captive was accepting responsibility for everyone else’s bad luck, he made her a present of these shoes.
And oh the shoes that these were! The girl fell in love at first sight. Bright silver with exquisitely pointed toes and the most adorable ribbons that wrapped around her ankles. She could not take her gaze anywhere else. But when she attempted to wear the shoes, they were too small. Alas. This was the curse that the hag had bestowed upon the shoes. The woman who wore them would love them and treasure them but would never be able to find comfort in them.
Sadly, the girl was never able to bring herself to let go of the shoes. Not even when they found themselves back in the Caribbean and she was accosted by an ugly old woman who claimed to be the rightful owner.
Well this second “loss” of the shoes so enraged the hag that she cursed not only this woman but all females until the end of time. And so it is that to this very day whenever a woman finds herself a beautiful pair of shoes, they cause her the most beastly pain imaginable.
The end.
- Miss Eliza
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 7:41 PM
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