So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Mis Eliza Bites The Apple

Dear Miss Eliza,
Well, it looks like I have dirty rotten luck. See, whenever I go to bite into an apple, it always has a bruise or a worm, or half of it has been chewed off by a wild animal. And this isn’t something recent. My mom says I’ve always managed to pick the apple that is really only any good for target practice. She says I’ve been at it ever since I was a baby and I used to get sick off the applesauce that she would feed me. How do I learn to pick the ripe stuff?
- Enough with Mac the Knife

Dear Apple Corer-Peeler-Slicer,
Now I was born and raised on a Windows operating system myself, and after years of dedication, I can’t think of one advantage that it has over Apples… except price… and that’s a pretty big advantage. But everyone knows that apples are more fun, and they taste much better with cinnamon and nutmeg, so it’s worth the extra money to try and overcome your truly spooky condition.

You know, my Paddy hit it smack on when he used to say, “A bad apple a day? I hope you got some good health insurance.” Now Paddy is, as usual, self explanatory, so I won’t bother going into depth on this one. Suffice it to say, and your mother would agree, that these bad apples should absolutely NOT be going untreated. Especially not if you have any desire to overcome this handicap. The only way to get through this is to find yourself the best kind of apple there is. That’s right. You want to hook yourself a doctor.

So you eat a bad apple every day. This sends you to the emergency room where you will need to see a doctor. Try and see someone different every day. Playing the field has several logical reasons:

1. That’s just the way dating works. You try out several different electric blankets until you find the one that gives out just the right amount of heat.
2. Think of all those prescription bottles you can add to your medicine cabinet. This should really give your nosy guests some interesting reading for the toilet.
3. Dating is not part of the doctor-patient relationship. So you don’t want him to remain your doctor for any longer than it takes you to meet him. Once the two of you are free of these shackles (because you went to see someone else the next day) then you will be allowed to see each other socially and therefore move to second base.

And once you are emotionally safe and secure with your knowledge that you can pick out the best apple, then you’ll never have to worry about picking a bad one ever again. And you won’t. I promise.
- Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 6:11 PM