So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Dear Miss Eliza: Pickled Rene

Dear Miss Eliza,
A friend of mine is in a pickle - he got his license suspended and was pulled over for an expired registration, but won't let me help him monetarily. What should I do?
Sincerely,
 Driving Mr Rene

Dear Mr. Driving Range Person,
You’ll want to get your friend out of his pickle. We all know that pickled Rene is not the tastiest delicacy on the market. In fact Mr. Rene is well known to be barely palatable when pickled. Yoou think that pickled eggs don’t sell? You’ve seen nothing compared to pickled Rene. For his own self worth (literally) it is vital that he not remain inside a pickle.

The best way to de-pickle a Frenchman is to remove the vinegar from his circulatory system. And we all know that the only way to get vinegar out of your circularory system is to bribe it into some replacement circulatory system. And we all know that if you want to bribe someone, you need a lobbiest.

The vinegar lobby, while not especially well known, is actually run by one of the more powerful firms on K street. What makes it unique is that no money changes hands what-so-ever (how fortunate for your monitarily challenged quest for aid). Instead the vinegar lobbiests trade something that vastly closer to the heart of vinegar. Baking soda.

From here the details become murky. Perhaps it will comfort you to know that whatever’s going on, it has been fully condoned by not only prison guards at Guantanamo Bay but also by the Attourny General, the Secretary of Defense, and the Vice President of this blessed country.

In the end, your friend has been freed of his pickle. It has cost you nothing, and you have the added benefit of knowing that you’ve done your duty for national security.
- Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 12:51 PM