So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Dear Miss Eliza: Just Call Me Lara Croft

Dear Miss Eliza,
I am a college student (please don’t hold it against me) with that all-too-common college student problem called Too Many Video Games. Once I get started my brain goes numb (which I guess is the point) and 12 hours later I wake up with drool all over my couch cushions. I wouldn’t mind so much, but it’s affecting the rest of my life. I haven’t been on a date since my girlfriend dumped me nine months ago; I can’t remember the last time I passed in an assignment and I’ve run out of grandparents that I can kill off for excuses to get out of my job. Miss Eliza, is there any hope for me at all?
- This Halo’s Starting To Wobble

Dear Fallen Angel,
Your only hope is that you made it through Psych 100 before this affliction set in. Because, as my Paddy used to say, “The only thing I remember from Intro to Psych is that guy Pavlov and his classical conditioning.”

“But,” you reply, “I’m completely brain dead. There’s nothing left in there to psychoanalyze.” Well friend, fear not. Classical conditioning is so easy, you could teach a dog to do it. (Now that’s my idea of a good pun. I just wanted you to know that.)

Here’s how this works. You are going to need access to music you truly detest. Lets pretend that you hate country music. It’s obnoxious and self righteous and arrogant and you’re from a blue state. Listening to it makes you feel slimy and rotten all over. This is good. This is the feeling you’re going for. Now if only there were a way to associate this feeling with your video games… you see where this is going, don’t you?

Granted, you will have to impose some ground rules.

Volume control: The music must be loud enough to get on your nerves. Set yourself a minimum volume level and stick to it. For objectivity sake, you might even let some third party ( I jest, by third party I really mean second party) set your minimum volume level.

Diversity: A few songs repeated endlessly for a disgusting number of hours on end can make you feel really, really yucky. I would suggest finding one CD (or its equivalent of you’ve got an ipod) and putting it on repeat. Better yet, find one single song that really, really pushes your buttons and play it endlessly. I might suggest “Have You Forgotten” sung by Darryl Worley.

Duration: Constant, of course. The devil music must be playing any and all times that you have your video game going. The point, of course is obvious. Eventually, that hate and pain that you feel for yourself whenever you listen to country music will become associated with the video games. After a few trials, you will be able to despise yourself with only the games. And in order to avoid this discomfort, you will come to wean yourself off such unhealthy activities and have time to focus on doing things that make you like yourself again… you know, like ballroom dancing.
- Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 7:49 AM