Dear Miss Eliza: Don't Forget The Popcorn
Dear Miss Eliza,I run a major Hollywood studio, and I’m not sure whether you’ve noticed this or not, but we’re not doing so hot. 2005 brought in less money than 2004 which brought in less money than 2003. People just aren’t going to the cinema anymore. What can we do to get people into theaters?
Mirimaxed Out
Dear Harvey,
Where to begin? How about with the sequels. There are 44 sequels coming out in the next twelve months, and the numbers have only been increasing in recent years. Relying so heavily on sequels shows that you suffer from a lack of originality. Yuck. There’s a screenwriter out there picking up your trash as we speak. Do you know what goes on in the life of a garbage man? It’s a fantasy adventure waiting to happen and your garbage man is just the guy to tell you. (And if it’s written by a REAL garbage man, it will be not only creative, but authentic.)
So Rule #1: Each major studio is entitled to ONE, I said ONE, sequel a year, and said sequel must open in theaters before March first.
Next thing you need to do is do away with Oscar season. We shouldn’t have to wait until December to see a quality movie. It really screws with the Top 10 lists. When you get to December without seeing a single top 10 type movie, you’ve hit a snag. Now you’ll have to see at least 10 movies in the theater in one month. That’s more than two a week. And a man’s budget just can’t stand up to that. So he’s going to end up NOT seeing your movie which means he WON’T put it in his top 10 list, so buh bye to that publicity.
Rule #2: One Oscar contender should be released each month. Studios can draw lots to see who gets which month.
Pay attention, this one’s important. Ticket prices are TOO FRIGGIN HIGH. And in case you didn’t catch that, let me repeat myself. Ticket prices are TOO FRIGGIN HIGH. And there is ABSOLUTELY no excuse for charging $10 per ticket. Heck, there’s no good excuse for charging $6 per ticket. Not to mention the fact that you have advertisements (the advertising kind even) before the previews start. What, does Coca Cola pay you nothing to put their name on every one of your orifices? Must you still take it out of my pocket? I’m talking about my movie ticket pocket here, not my movie concession pocket. (Don’t get me started on popcorn, I mean that stuff isn’t made of gold and you have to stop pretending it is.)
Answer a question for me. Who in their right mind is going to go to a theater and pay $15 for one ticket and a small popcorn to sit in a freezing movie theater (saving on the heating budget) and watch 10 minutes of ads, 20 minutes of previews and 2 hours of movie when they can wait 6 months pay $5 and keep the movie for a week? (Or better yet, they could pay $25 (which is cheaper than taking two people to a movie) and keep the movie forever?
You’ve got some seriously screwed up wires in your heads.
Rule #3: Ticket prices should be no higher than $5. Popcorn and beverage prices should run as follows. Small: $1. Medium: $2.50. Large: $5.
And I mean it on the garbage guy. He may be dirty, but that doesn’t mean he’s stupid.
- Miss Eliza
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 1:03 PM
2 Comments:
What?! Prices are too high. No! That can't be it! I mean, yeah, EVERY PERSON WE ASK says the same thing - but that's not it. We just need more sequels! And more movies with animals! Yeah! That'll do it.
In the meantime, raise prices another dollar.
Maybe their supply and demand graph is upside down. Or left side right. Or being translated by someone from Exxon. That could really screw with your ticket prices.
Post a Comment
<< Home