So Says The Mouse In My Hair

The Return of Miss Eliza

Dear Miss Eliza,
May I ask you a personal question?
- Mr. X

Dear X Man,
Land sakes, what are you thinking!?! (Yes, an exclamation point, and then a question mark and then a comma ARE required to convey my emotions correctly.) Of course you may not ask me a personal question. I have excellent reasons for my decision, all highly amusing. Let me explain.

1. The question is a cliché. I’ve heard it far too many times in my life to feel that it has any vitality left whatsoever. As my Paddy used to say, “How do you know you’ve got the right words? They have the flavor of Moxie.” [At which point he would stare off to some random spot in the universe with a smile on his face and sigh.] And he was right. As always. Any words crossing your mouth devoid of verve and élan need to be shot. With a very big bullet out of an exceedingly high powered rifle. Such stagnation of language deserves to be left bloated on the side of the freeway in a large congealed pool of blood. Under no circumstances should you show favor to such distastefulness by basing an entire conversation on the topic.

2. I fear for my life. Against all good judgment I’ve ever shown (ok, laugh if you must) this question forces curiosity onto my fragile ears. And we all know what Curiosity has homicidal tendencies towards animals of my persuasion. So this is likely one of those things better left for some other poor advice columnist.

3. If the world knew anything about my personal life, then no one would ever come to me for advice again. I mean, lets say that you had a question. Are you going to ask some agoraphobic binge eater who lives alone with 32 cats and sets her alarm to the Seasame Street theme song every morning? Umm no. Advisees want their columnists composed and together. Face it, you’re not looking for someone who gets her kicks off kitty crack and goes through a case of hunter orange shoelaces every week.

Hmmm, I’m starting to think maybe I’ve revealed too much. Please promise me you won’t tell anyone. I really like this job.
- Miss Eliza

Dear Readers,
Well it's been a while since last we were in contact. Such is the universe after all. But you'll be pleased (at least I like to think you will) to see that I'm back from my sabbatical and wiser than ever. What? Don't believe me? All right. I'll prove it. Send me a question, any question. I'll answer it for you, honest. You can read that sentence however you choose. Well if you'd like to take me up on this dare you can e-mail your question to me at selizawalden@yahoo.com or just post it in the Comments section of this blog. And with that, I'll leave the issue in your capable brains.
- Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 5:29 PM