Dear Miss Eliza gets Her Toes Pinched
Dear Miss Eliza,
I was in the mall today and I found this amazing pair of pumps for half price in the shoe store. I had to get them. I’m not talking impulse, I’m talking force of nature drawing those shoes to my feet. But PROBLEM: The only ones in stock were 1 ½ sizes smaller than my feet. Sure, I don’t let details get in the way of a force of nature. Gives bad karma, right? But still it’s a little annoying. I mean really, why must a girl suffer so much for her beauty?
- Not So Foot Loose
Dear Footsie Wootsie,
Let me tell you a little fairy tale piece of old wives’ lore. Once upon a time there was a girl who loved her father very, very much. Alas, one day whilst heading to market this father got lost and was kidnapped by a beastly prince of a pirate gang. Mr. Dad decided the only way to get back to his daughter was to weave beautiful stories of the girl and his home, so every night he begged to return to his own kingdom.
Sadly, his narratives worked too well and the beastly pirate prince fell in love with the girl from the stories. He agreed to let the father go only if the daughter would become his captive instead. The father agreed.
(Okay, okay. I know you’re thinking he was a real jerk to let his only child become a captive and suffer while he was free roaming the world. But if you look at the situation pseudo-logically, you will find a hundred good reasons for such a decision. Try it. It’ll be good for you. Meanwhile I need to get back to my lore.)
This is how a week later, a girl stood on the dock waiting to board a pirate ship. However she encountered a problem. The crew wasn’t letting her onto the ship. It is bad luck to take a girl to sea, this is common superstition. But she was afraid of what would befall her father should she not present herself to the beastly pirate prince. And so she bargained with the crew. She would accept on her beautiful but slight shoulders all the bad luck to be encountered at sea. The pirates agreed and the beautiful girl set sail with the crew.
Little known until now what that the beastliness of the prince of pirates was a result from an amazing string of bad luck which all started when he stole a pair of shoes from an old hag in the West Indies. But when he heard that his new captive was accepting responsibility for everyone else’s bad luck, he made her a present of these shoes.
And oh the shoes that these were! The girl fell in love at first sight. Bright silver with exquisitely pointed toes and the most adorable ribbons that wrapped around her ankles. She could not take her gaze anywhere else. But when she attempted to wear the shoes, they were too small. Alas. This was the curse that the hag had bestowed upon the shoes. The woman who wore them would love them and treasure them but would never be able to find comfort in them.
Sadly, the girl was never able to bring herself to let go of the shoes. Not even when they found themselves back in the Caribbean and she was accosted by an ugly old woman who claimed to be the rightful owner.
Well this second “loss” of the shoes so enraged the hag that she cursed not only this woman but all females until the end of time. And so it is that to this very day whenever a woman finds herself a beautiful pair of shoes, they cause her the most beastly pain imaginable.
The end.
- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza Goes Shopping
Dear Miss Eliza,
Why is it that the entertainment industry gets upset at me for illegally downloading songs and movies? After all, I can go into a store and buy a used CD or DVD and no one says a thing about it. Neither the band nor production company doesn’t see a penny of that money and yet I do not recall ever hearing a giant outcry about robbing the artists of their hard earned second hand money. If the industry really wants to go after someone, they should go after Goodwill. Those whose albums end up on sale there are truly the ones in desperate need of the help that will come from the sale of one of their albums. So why the hypocrisy?
- Mr. Mooch
Dear Filching Moocher,
Well, I should have thought it obvious. Think about which kinds of people believe that what I buy should rightfully be shared with you for less than cost? Who is it that wants to destroy the free market system because capitalists pigs just want to strong arm the proletarian majority into working for the benefit of the wealthy? Who runs a black market as healthy and vibrant as that of the second hand entertainment industry?
The answer is obvious: Second hand entertainment, be it music, videos, or the ever popular book (which I notice that you left out. Shame, shame.) is in the hands of Communists.
As if you didn’t know. The literary intelligencia that frequents these shops are well known to favor Michael Moore (a self described Socialist) over Rush Limbaugh (a true blue Red Stater). And the owners? You know, the ones that stock the shelves? You think they try to associate themselves with the likes of Ann Coulter? Hell, they wouldn’t even touch one of her books. She has cooties. And I’m sure Ann herself would like to tell you that anyone who doesn’t like her is a Commie.
That’s just the book stores. Music stores are just as bad. You ever seen the size of the Country & Western portion of one of these stores? It’s got about five CD’s. Whereas they’re chock full of Rock and Roll (the Devil’s music to begin with) by anti-American bands like the Beatles, (remember Lennon’s song “Imagine”? Don’t try to tell me that’s about capitalism.) The Rolling Stones (“American Woman, stay away from me.”) and Greenday (“Don’t want to be an American Idiot.”)
And what about places that sell used movies? They all started out in Hollywood didn’t they? And Hollywood is very well known for its strong left wing. Black list anyone?
Now the second hand industry’s liberal (aka: communist) bias is just the beginning. It leads to its members organizing. Also known as Organizing. As in, “Singly, we’re just a bunch of small businessmen trying to buck the Big Box system that is destroying down home folks like you and me. But put us all together and you have the Death To Capitalism Workers Union, or DTCWU.”
Of course the DTCWU is in league with the nation’s leading Communist front organization, the American Civil Liberties Union. The two combined are able to wield the Sword-of-Freedom to cut the Bonds-of-Oppression and to guard themselves with the Shield-of-Justice thereby making them invincible against their strongest foe: the Money-Grubbing-Billionaire-Club.
So there you have it. The entertainment industry understand well that if it attempted to insert itself into the second hand industry, the Communists would cut their dick off and run it up a flag pole as a message it capitalists everywhere.
Hope that answers your question.
- Miss Eliza
My Second Millenium
So I checked my people counter today and it hit 2000. In honor of the party, I'd like to share with you a small portion of terms that people perform searches for which lead them to my blog. No, they don't all make that much sense to me either.
mice smothering me in a dream
job of hair mouse
tree octopus
"got moose" shirts
rohl dahl autobiography books
"PAPER PICKLE CARD"
"moose in a can" 2005
rohl dahl literary agent
prokaryotes and rosebush
"hiccups in the" great
Fake mouse hole for my kitchen
stuffed belly
stephen colbert
Rohl Dahl recipes
In the movie crash what is the name of the drug the mother had used
Reviews of Eliza Dushku's new play.
Sweater Fetish
"naked cars"
underwear pattern briefboy
information on schrodinger and heinsburg the scientists
progector television made in china
kids crafts "valentines day mailboxes"
vegetarian oyster sauce rcipe
"fruit roll-up" demographics
male mouse mounting and pacing
"pie in the face" sexiest
"life of a garbage man"
hollywood hair dew
Float Fairies Postcard
how to hold conversation to females in chat room
sexiest "pie in the face
the eagle has landed and the fat man walks alone
ex-boyfriend enemies spam
The Circularory System
high-octaned person
author + dodo bird, roald
Dear Eliza's Hair Salon
duck duck goose rap video two and one half kids
free south park mr towely wave file
cruel toenails
ways to take hair to school
homemade jello wrestling ring
Well, I hope you found that slightly amusing. Cheerio!
-Miss Eliza
Mis Eliza Bites The Apple
Dear Miss Eliza,
Well, it looks like I have dirty rotten luck. See, whenever I go to bite into an apple, it always has a bruise or a worm, or half of it has been chewed off by a wild animal. And this isn’t something recent. My mom says I’ve always managed to pick the apple that is really only any good for target practice. She says I’ve been at it ever since I was a baby and I used to get sick off the applesauce that she would feed me. How do I learn to pick the ripe stuff?
- Enough with Mac the Knife
Dear Apple Corer-Peeler-Slicer,
Now I was born and raised on a Windows operating system myself, and after years of dedication, I can’t think of one advantage that it has over Apples… except price… and that’s a pretty big advantage. But everyone knows that apples are more fun, and they taste much better with cinnamon and nutmeg, so it’s worth the extra money to try and overcome your truly spooky condition.
You know, my Paddy hit it smack on when he used to say, “A bad apple a day? I hope you got some good health insurance.” Now Paddy is, as usual, self explanatory, so I won’t bother going into depth on this one. Suffice it to say, and your mother would agree, that these bad apples should absolutely NOT be going untreated. Especially not if you have any desire to overcome this handicap. The only way to get through this is to find yourself the best kind of apple there is. That’s right. You want to hook yourself a doctor.
So you eat a bad apple every day. This sends you to the emergency room where you will need to see a doctor. Try and see someone different every day. Playing the field has several logical reasons:
1. That’s just the way dating works. You try out several different electric blankets until you find the one that gives out just the right amount of heat.
2. Think of all those prescription bottles you can add to your medicine cabinet. This should really give your nosy guests some interesting reading for the toilet.
3. Dating is not part of the doctor-patient relationship. So you don’t want him to remain your doctor for any longer than it takes you to meet him. Once the two of you are free of these shackles (because you went to see someone else the next day) then you will be allowed to see each other socially and therefore move to second base.
And once you are emotionally safe and secure with your knowledge that you can pick out the best apple, then you’ll never have to worry about picking a bad one ever again. And you won’t. I promise.
- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza: Just Call Me Lara Croft
Dear Miss Eliza,
I am a college student (please don’t hold it against me) with that all-too-common college student problem called Too Many Video Games. Once I get started my brain goes numb (which I guess is the point) and 12 hours later I wake up with drool all over my couch cushions. I wouldn’t mind so much, but it’s affecting the rest of my life. I haven’t been on a date since my girlfriend dumped me nine months ago; I can’t remember the last time I passed in an assignment and I’ve run out of grandparents that I can kill off for excuses to get out of my job. Miss Eliza, is there any hope for me at all?
- This Halo’s Starting To Wobble
Dear Fallen Angel,
Your only hope is that you made it through Psych 100 before this affliction set in. Because, as my Paddy used to say, “The only thing I remember from Intro to Psych is that guy Pavlov and his classical conditioning.”
“But,” you reply, “I’m completely brain dead. There’s nothing left in there to psychoanalyze.” Well friend, fear not. Classical conditioning is so easy, you could teach a dog to do it. (Now that’s my idea of a good pun. I just wanted you to know that.)
Here’s how this works. You are going to need access to music you truly detest. Lets pretend that you hate country music. It’s obnoxious and self righteous and arrogant and you’re from a blue state. Listening to it makes you feel slimy and rotten all over. This is good. This is the feeling you’re going for. Now if only there were a way to associate this feeling with your video games… you see where this is going, don’t you?
Granted, you will have to impose some ground rules.
Volume control: The music must be loud enough to get on your nerves. Set yourself a minimum volume level and stick to it. For objectivity sake, you might even let some third party ( I jest, by third party I really mean second party) set your minimum volume level.
Diversity: A few songs repeated endlessly for a disgusting number of hours on end can make you feel really, really yucky. I would suggest finding one CD (or its equivalent of you’ve got an ipod) and putting it on repeat. Better yet, find one single song that really, really pushes your buttons and play it endlessly. I might suggest “Have You Forgotten” sung by Darryl Worley.
Duration: Constant, of course. The devil music must be playing any and all times that you have your video game going. The point, of course is obvious. Eventually, that hate and pain that you feel for yourself whenever you listen to country music will become associated with the video games. After a few trials, you will be able to despise yourself with only the games. And in order to avoid this discomfort, you will come to wean yourself off such unhealthy activities and have time to focus on doing things that make you like yourself again… you know, like ballroom dancing.
- Miss Eliza
