So Says The Mouse In My Hair

The Greenville Collection:The Flatlander

What is a flatlander? Where I come from it’s a name that locals have for the tourists. It isn’t necessarily that they live on flatter land than we do. You could be from the Rocky mountains and pop into our town and comment on the pretty hills around here and we’ll give you the evil eye and talk about that flatlander from out west.

This being the case, I started asking myself once, "what makes you a flatlander?" Is it being from out of state? And I concluded that no, that’s not it. Mainers can easily be flatlanders. You come up to my neck of the woods with all your extension-of-Massachusetts money and stay in that cabin on the lake, you know the one you paid $250,000 for, and you say, "Isn’t it quaint and peaceful up here?" And we’ll frown and slap mosquitoes off our necks.

So maybe a flatlander is from outside a smaller area? Is it that people who come from outside, say, Pisataquis County could be called flatlanders? You’re getting closer, but don’t bet on it. Sure it’s harder not to like you because we’re related. And we’re in the same boat economically so we aren’t going to treat you so coldly, but you could still be a flatlander.

See, it turns out upon much consideration that geography isn’t really a factor. So is it people who are compatible with nature? Well look at all those families who had to stop in Freeport on the way up here. Some stay in cabins, some stay in RV’s, some stay in tents. Some will bring up speed boats which will make others sadly shake their heads as they float around in their canoes and kayaks. They all do a little hiking and pat themselves on the back for being so close to nature. But we don’t buy it. We may not have a Wal-Mart and we may have closed down our local McDonalds, but we’ll still sit in the drug store on Sunday morning and drink coffee. We’ll tell our anecdotes about those crazy tree-hugging flatlanders and we’ll laugh at you for spending so much money to do something as easy as taking a walk.

It’s not the car you drive, or how much rust is on it. It’s not how you say the word "horse" or "there". If you ask us how to get to Acadia we’ll smirk and say "ya can’t get they-ah from he-ah." It’s not how many guns you keep in your truck and it’s not about whether you’ve got electricity and running water. We do, by the way, in case you were wondering. It’s not how much money you have and it’s not how many toys you own to play with outside.

The truth is, I’ve narrowed it down to the answer to one single question: "Do you know where to go to find moose?" It doesn’t matter where you go in Greenville, people are asking that question. We say that we’re a big tourist town and that’s our industry, but that’s not quite accurate. It’s really moose. We have moose in the landscape, with Moosehead Lake and the newly named Big and Little Moose mountains. We’ve got moose in our retail with tourist shops like Moosin’ Around Maine. You want something moose? We have toy moose and books about moose. Moose postcards and CD’s filled with moose calls. You can get Moose-in-a-can and If You Give A Moose A Cookie. Want moose on your pajamas? Or maybe a lawn ornament? I know, you’re looking for earrings and a belt buckle made out of moose antlers. Chocolate moose poop? We have the moose hunt in the fall. You get to see them in the back of a truck with their tongues sticking out. You can find Moose head busts in several of our stores. Need a moose safari? One tourist company painted a bus brown and put some antlers on it so they could herd people out to find them.

And you buy it all. It’s natural to come to Greenville and ask to see a moose, but what’s with all the other silly questions?

"Hi, could you tell me how to get to Greenville?" Sure. Remember where you blinked? Go back there. Yes, town really is this one little intersection with the blinking yellow light. But you didn’t come here for the civilization, so don’t get so disoriented when you don’t find any.

"Where’s a good place to eat?" Honestly, they’re all the same. They all serve the same thing, except the Lost Lobster. I’ll give you three guesses on that one. But I hope you like beef in any shape or form, or maybe chicken. And don’t be looking for fast food. If that’s what you desire, well, try the grocery store.

"Where can I get a USA Today?" Ummmm, Dover? It’s about forty five minutes down the road. Good luck on that one.

"I’ve been coming here for ___ years. I’m not a flatlander anymore right?" This one’s my personal favorite. And the answer is, if you have to ask… In case you haven’t noticed, we’re not a welcoming group of people, and we tend to be pretty cliquey.

So we’re not always so nice to tourists. Why is that? Maybe we wonder how you can be so stupid and still have more money than us. It’s not that you are stupid, but you have to admit that naive often comes across that way. Maybe we think you look down on us. You come up north and think, "you live how far away from a movie theater? How quaint." Maybe we figure that loving Greenville doesn’t count if you only love it for a week or two out of the whole year. If you can put up with winter and mud season and black fly season and mosquito season all in one 365 day stretch, then you might be an ok person. Maybe we resent how much we actually depend on you. While this does qualify as biting the hand that feeds you, it still happens.

Anyway, along with your flannel shirt and Ford Explorer, try not to forget your-brush-off-of-us-locals-and-our-attitudes look. We’re really not so bad once you get to ignore us.
And as for where go to find moose? Drive out of town in any direction until you come to cars parked along the side of the road. There may be people standing outside taking pictures, there may not. Pull your car over on the side of the road along with everyone else’s. if there isn’t a moose right now, there will be.

Oh, and be careful driving. Moose aren’t fun when they’re on top of your car.

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 3:02 PM