Cliché Busters: The Consolation Speech
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.A priest a rabbi and a chemist walk into a bar…
Oh no, that’s the wrong one. I’m looking for:
Oh honey, don’t worry. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re a beautiful person. Some day a boy is going to come along and see that, but these things take time. You’re still young. You’ll find someone, I promise. Things will work out, I just know it.
You have heard it before. I knew it. You know how I knew it? It's standard. pretty much verbatim actually, and I should know.
And as one who should—and does—know, I think I can speak for all other young, smart, funny, beautiful people when I say, "can’t you spice things up a little?"
Because it isn’t really comforting when I already know what you’re going to say. (And when I say "know" I mean both that I can see the words coming before they show up, and that I am in agreement. Of course I’m smart and beautiful, and have a sense of humor. Isn’t it obvious? Egotistical I know, but that’s me.) What I feel is more along the lines of, "I already know that, so get to the new part."
This is strikingly similar my reaction to classes ¼ of the time, but I digress.
There has GOT to be something else you can say to someone who just got dumped. How about:
- That rat cum isn’t fit to clean spit of your mary-janes.
- What’ll it be kiddo? (appropriate if you are behind a bar. While this is a cliché in it self, if you can make it sound sexy, I’ll totally forgive you.)
- Good.
- Did you see that episode of South Park where [fill in synopsis of episode here]? Even that had a happy ending. (NOTE: Make sure the episode of south park you’re referencing really has a happy ending.)
And if you really, REALLY need to go with the adjective format with your new dumpee, try something fresh. Applicability isactually second to use of wide ranging vocabulary. It probably won't make any sense, but I’m sure I’ll forgive you if they’re random enough. How about:
Sweetie, don’t feel bad. You know you’re a catch right? You have so much moxie (NOTE: Use moxie in any sentence any time and I’ll give you a hug. It’s just one of those things.) and you’re Orwellian and indefatigable, not to mention a great lay. (NOTE: Downright lying is a little different from not applicable, but she’ll appreciate it if you do it right)
Also a good rule: Make her laugh. Actually, make her laugh condescendingly. When your heart is broken it’s absolutely ok to try to make yourself feel better than someone else. Use snide comments about
Democrats
Republicans
Right wing nut jobs
Liberal pinkos
The ex
Stupid people
Tree huggers
Siblings
Celebrities
Red Necks
People who watch Public television
People who watch network television
Peoplw who watch cable
People with satellite TVs
People
Etc.
These are surefire tips to avoid having your sympathetic monologue met with rolling eyes. That is always a good thing. Really. I should know. Because I like rolling my eyes.
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 5:17 PM
4 Comments:
"Of course I’m smart and beautiful, and have a sense of humor. Isn’t it obvious?"
This from the girl who admitted--in front of a dozen people no less--that she rode the short bus to school? Perhaps "smart" might not be the best word choice here.
"Of course I’m smart and beautiful, and have a sense of humor. Isn’t it obvious?"
This from the girl who admitted--in front of a dozen people no less--that she rode the short bus to school? Perhaps "smart" might not be the best word choice here.
Then again, posting the same thing twice does call my own intellect, or lack thereof, into question.
C'est la vie.
I come from this other part of the world, a nother planet really, with other customs and values. Examples:
-Once I took a calculus test and go extra credit for being the ONLY person in class who showed up to take it.
-Peers give everyone chilling looks when they see you anywhere in town.
-More moose crossing signs that pedestrian crossing signs.
-Short buses are used because there are certain routes where you don't have enough riders for a fullsized bus. My grandfather drove the Harfords Point route and I think there were about 10 kids on that one.
I'm inspired. I think I'll write a few posts on the Greenville Experience.
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