Dear Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza,Golf season is quickly approaching. Do you have any tips on getting rid of my slice?
-Willie Munchright
Dear Willie,
Thank you for your incendiary and multi-dimensional query.
Contrary to popular opinion, the slice actually serves a valuable purpose, otherwise, why would it have been invented in the first place, am I right?
Imperfection is celebrated far less than it ought to be. It is, after all, our nature. We were never meant to be gods, not even before the whole apple thing. In fact, it was trying to turn ourselves into gods where we got into so much trouble. If Eve had just been satisfied with her slice originally, none of this would have happened, and I would not be afraid of giving birth. Thanks Mom.
The slice is your unconsciousness trying to tell you that you need to think outside the par. Go wide, go long, go short, go underground. Has your ball ever ended up in a rosebush? Let me guess. You grumbled and mumbled about all the thorns, but you never once stopped to smell the metaphor it offered. As my Paddy used to say, "It’s all in where it DOESN’T go."
Not to mention that a slice really improves the chances of your client winning, which is exactly the way the Fates intended it. So go on, embrace your inner slice. Celebrate and expand your slice related neurons, they will take you far in life.
- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza,
I am in an internet cafe, it is 11:19 at night, whole families with squalling infants are at the surrounding cubicles. (3 actually) What kind of a family outing is a trip to the internet cafe, exXxspecially one where I think the sign on the door says smoking mandatory or maybe it was "monitored", shaky on the alphabet, maybe it's something you understand once you have kids?
Skatecat
Dear Skatecat,
Thank you for your caffinated and salacious question.
Once upon a time Stork was soaring the vast blue expanse and she looked down and frowned. Many large families with squalling infants lived in small cramped houses turning grumpy and saying cruel things to one another. These words pierced Stork in the heart and caused tears to fall from her eyes. These tears turned into a stream, which became a creek, which became a river, which flooded a young town that lay in its way. The houses and elementary schools and banks and post offices were pulverized into the sticks and bricks and ticks from whence they came. The river calmed itself until the next year when Stork cried again. The river swelled again and this time when it receded there stood an Internet café. Stork saw this Internet café, and she said it was good. From that day forward, the Internet café would act as a family outing away from the small cramped houses which made them so grumpy and nasty.
Epilogue: Unfortunately, the internet café did not have the desired effect. Families still felt cramped and grumpy, and they still said cruel things to each other. But what can you do?
- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza,
Now I’m not a Catholic or anything, but I have many good friends who are. What is the proper way to congratulate them on their new leader?
Mr. Jones from Jonesboro
Dear Mr. Jones,
When in doubt, always send a thank you card. It heals a multitude of wrongdoings. I remember one such occasion involving me, a butcher knife, and my host’s poodle. One thing lead to another, and we found ourselves in a gruesome and awkward situation. Fortunately it was all smoothed over with a simple thank you card. You have no idea how much money that saved me!
- Miss Eliza
Dear Readers,
This is the part of the show where I remind you how EASY and FUN it is to send a question to Miss Eliza. Because 1. It will totally get answered. 2. Everyone will be able to see how cool you are by what question you decide to ask. 3. It's my only form of communication with the outside world. Don't let me down! You can post your question in the comments section, or e-mail it to me @ selizawalden@yahoo.com
You know you want to, and if you don't, you know you wish you want to. I'm right, aren't I?
- Miss Eliza
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 9:48 AM
3 Comments:
As always, fantastic answers to life's pressing questions.
I also wondered what to do for my Catholic in-laws. After reading your suggestion, I gave my mother-in-law a thank you card this afternoon. I came home with a tupperware dish full of food.
Thanks, Miss Eliza.
You'd be amazed at the effect a thank you card has on an in-law. It's second only to the effect a thank you card has on an angry wild boar. (However, since angry wild boars can't read, you will need to show your gratitude in pictures instead. Good luck with that.)
Miss Eliza,
Very good points on the Iran article at http://sid21.blogspot.com. Thanks for your comments. I agree that whether he attacks or not, he won't lose credibility among his supporters. He is invincible only because this is his last term in office. Thanks also for visiting my blog.
Sid
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