Dear Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza,I've got this problem with voles eating my lawn and shrubbery. How do I get rid of them?
-VoleH8er
Dear VoleH8er,
Thank you for your indelible and fastidious question.
The voles will stop trying to eat our lawn and shrubbery if it is not there. But it would be a pity just to destroy your lawn and shrubbery to get rid of a few voles. What a waste! That’s what you’re thinking, right? I agree. Instead, I would suggest donating your lawn and shrubbery to charity.
There are several respectable charities that you can consider. Goodwill and The Salvation Army come immediately to mind. And if I’m not mistaken, the knights who say, "ni" have formed a charitable foundation for tax purposes. They will take excellent care of your shrubbery, however, I’m fairly certain that they don’t deal with lawns, so you would have to split the two up. I’m not sure if you’re willing to do that or not, but you would at least be certain that your shrubbery was going to a good home.
Not only will donating your lawn and shrubbery to charity eliminate the voles in your life, but think of all the less fortunates who always wanted to have a lawn and/or shrubbery, but due to unforeseen financial difficulties were never able to make this dream come true. Your little contribution could fulfill someone’s life long longing. You will be making someone’s life better.
We should all be so lucky.
- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza,
I’ve got a date coming up and we’re supposed to go see a movie. But the thing is I really, really don’t want to shell out the big bucks for popcorn. I know she’s going to want some. What can I do?
Druther Buy Gas
Dear Druther,
Did you know that today’s gas prices have inflated as an echo of popcorn price rises? It’s true. Unfortunately, it has also led to dilemas for any almost broke college student who’s trying to take his girlfriend out on a date.
People do not understand how much damage buying popcorn does to your psyche. As a "psychoanalyst" about 2/3 of my patients’ histories could be traced back to traumatic nights at the movie theater. But there is actually a good way to skirt around this.
Take your date out to dinner BEFORE the movie starts. (A nice romantic (filling) dinner at an exclusive restaurant with large servings is not only cheaper than buying popcorn, it is mentally healthier.) Feed her a LOT of food. Explain to her that you will take it as a personal insult if she doesn’t eat everything on her plate, dessert, and all your leftovers. Keep going until she excuses herself because she feels that she’s going to be sick.
Offer to hold her hair back. This will give you quite a few of these little things we in the business call brownie points.
Once her stomach has corrected itself, give her a mint. Now it’s time to go to the cinema. You get in line, you pay for the ticket, and you find yourself in front of the concession stand. You say (in a very concerned voice), "You want anything?" she’ll smile demurely and shake her head. And you’re home free. Congratulations!
But remember, always use this power for good, or little imps will tweeze you nose hairs while you’re handcuffed to a raging hippo.
- Miss Eliza
Dear Readers,
Do you have a question you always wanted to ask an expert but never did because said expert would make you feel stupid? These are my favorite questions. Not only will I answer them (way better than any expert... depending on your defintion of "better," but I'll also make you feel really smart at the same time. So give me your thoughts, end them with a question mark, and start them with a "Dear Miss Eliza." Send them to me by e-mail: selizawalden@yahoo.com or just plunk it into the comments section. Really, it's a good thing.
- Miss Eliza
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 12:39 PM
7 Comments:
See, when you make movie references, I'm all over it.
Also, I like the parentheses inside of parentheses.
There's hope for you yet. It's not as far a jump from movies to books as the world tries to make it sound. If you were to make a book out of monty python and set i in space, it would be a lot like HHGG. Very worthy of noticing.
I do have a parentheses fetish, which is pretty hard to miss. Blogs were built for parentheses, or at least they feel like it. They have an excellent environment for asides like that.
But parentheses in parentheses are weird aren't they? I've seen them before in real grammaticly correct kinds of places, like a book, maybe even a text book, not sure, which is even weirder, especially when they (look like(this).
Ingenious! Very smart move!! The guy is definitely saved. Although I don't know if he should let his g/f puke; I'd had her just gotten her full and then maybe bought her a small popcorn, if she wanted it. But otherwise ingenious.
But the problem is that it doesn't really make any sense to buy a small popcorn. Because it still costs you somewhere in the vicinity of $6.00, which I believe in any other market would be considered punishable by death. I mean, have you seen the size of a small popcorn? I mean, it's just popcorn!
There comes a time in each young person's life where he puts his foot down and "just says no" to the evil that is consession prices. When he does this we pat him on the back and say, "congradulations, you are a man."
You make an excellent point...concession prices are high but I guess I'm just trying to be courteous to the girl.
I don't think it should be punishable by death...yes it's pricey but people are supposed to be courteous to their significant others and besides, that's the quality girls want in a guy. Visit my blog if you get the chance. Thanks
Holding a girl's hair back while she's puking is very courteous. So is opening her door or buying her a drink. But paying $5 for popcorn? That might just show a lack of good old horse sense. And evolutionarily speaking, the man with the sense, might just live longer and spawn more... spawn.
Me? I'd feel guilty just making someone pay that much for popcorn (hence my lack of any desire to go into buisness). And if I had to choose between the courteous man with no sense, and they guy who makes me sick so that he can save some money? That's a tough choice. I'll let you know after I've made it.
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