Vote For Me
Thank you all for coming, please enjoy the free ice cream while you’re here. Oh, you didn’t get any? Pity, it must have been gone by the time you got here.Anyway,
I’d like to announce my candidacy for Next Late Night Talk Show Host.
[Insert cheers, whistles, catcalls, boos here]
I’d be great, I promise. Why? You need reasons? What level of reality are you living on?
Oh, in that case…
Vote for me because I’m a girl. Why is it you hear all kinds of girls saying, "I want to be the first woman president when I grow up" but not, "I want to be the first woman late night talk show host when I grow up"? Have we already had one that took that title and never told anybody? Is that what this is?
Vote for me because if I ever get to be in the same room with Ben Affleck, I promise I’ll tell him off.
Vote for me because I’m a smart girl. You have NEVER seen one of these on TV before. Well, it’s possible that they exist, but are forced to stupidify themselves for ratings purposes (Oprah, this means you). I promise that as your next late night talk show host, I will not stoop to this level!
Vote for me because you can come sit in the audience and I’ll feed you ice cream.
Vote for me because I’ve got this theory about TV. Ready? It goes like this. Currently, TV has two modes. As a show you either make stupid people feel good about being stupid (WB, this means you) or you make stupid people feel smart while letting them still be stupid (CSI, this means you). This is a bad thing. Sure, if you made people smart, they might not watch TV as much anymore, and you wouldn’t make any money off of advertising because people wouldn’t watch your show. BUT you can’t let people go around being zombies all the time. Sure, it’s good business but it’s just plain rude. Where are your ethics?
Vote for me because you know you want to see what I look like drooling in front of Kevin Spacey.
Vote for me because I’ve got this theory about celebrities. Ready? It goes like this. They’ve got to HATE interviews. Why? Because answering the same questions all the time gets really boring. And because they end up talking about their private lives which, when you think about it, are NONE OF OUR FRIGGIN BUISNESS. (E! this means you.) I vow that as your next late night talk show host, I will put the joy back in the celebrity interview, and I will NOT bring up personal lives because this is NONE OF MY FRIGGIN BUISNESS.
Vote for me because if you don’t, I’ll hunt you down and strangle you with a rubber hose.
Vote for me because you want to watch me go down in flames. Seriously, what kind of ratings am I going to get if I go around and try changing the whole theory behind TV’s role in our society? Are there really enough living people in this culture to notice that I’m there to help them?
Vote for me because I promise not to be on TV the same time as Jon Stewart. You will not be forced to choose between us. Isn’t that nice?
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 3:32 PM
4 Comments:
I'm "lactose intolerant" anyway, so don't worry about the ice cream.
Your theory on TV is great. I have a "friend" who after losing her keys, goes into CSI mode. The thing is, she's not that smart. Nor is she a crime scene investigator. If she were, the losing of her keys would not generally be considered a crime.
I also like your promise to tell off Ben Affleck.
That said, I'm voting for James Van Der Beek instead. Sorry. His enormous head is perfect for a talk show.
I would be swo much better at hosting than James. First off, big heads are aided by big hair, and I could pull that off way better than he could.
Secondly, watching him drool over Kevin Spavey would just be creepy. I have the style to make it look creepy AND adorable.
Plus, I don't need a set of writers to make my conversations look intellectual and stuffy. I can do it all by myself!
And if i can turn the campaign negative for a moment (and what good campaigner doesn't?) James told me that he thinks you're a two bit pretentious blob who eats crackers for the structural support to your digestive tract.
I told him to stuff it, and I said you were the epitome of class and wisdom in the blogging universe.
That no-talent son of a bitch!! (I do understand by making that statement, I am acknowledging that I would have previously voted for a guy with admittedly no talent.)
You've convinced me. If you're opposite Letterman though, I may flip back and forth. Sorry again.
Remarkably insightful? Do i sense a note of surprise in the insight you can find from a girl who listens to a mouse that lives in her hair? Well, it is true that you need a lot more faith than can be found in a mustard seed in order to cope with me. It's why i am called scary.
But wait just one moment, are you saying that Conan and Letterman don't try to make people feel good about being stupid? Are you accepting the role that TV plays in today's braindead society?
Or you are one of those tyrants who would seek to supress people's innate rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of intellectual stimulation?
But a good campaigner knows how to compromise, in which case I promise you, I'm not trying to REPLACE your mother. That's not my job. And while I may not agree with her principles, and I'm fighting against the very premise of her being, I understand that you're going to love her more than you love me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'll stick to cable. I don't think I've got the ratings for network.
Also, I'm very good at butt kissing, just tell me what I have to do to get you to vote for me. and yea, it shall come forth.
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