Dear Miss Eliza Fixes the Love Sick
Dear Miss Eliza,I like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain, but I still haven’t been able to find that special someone. So I’ve been getting cynical about the whole idea of songs about love, and have begun a boycott against love songs.
As you can guess, there’s not much left for me to listen to. But that’s not going to stop me, listening to crap that I don’t believe in is a terrible statement about my character and my morals. But I have been getting more sad lately. What can I do to curtail this?
the depressive, moral cynic
Dear depressive,
You’re getting it all mixed up. You aren’t sad because you have no girl and no music, you have no girl and no music because you’re sad. As in SAD. As in Seasonal Affective Disorder. As in, there’s less sun lately, because it leaves earlier, and this decrease in sun exposure very commonly causes depression, which in your case has led to a love song boycott.
The answer is simple. Sell your house and buy one in Alaska. This will be a great place to spend your summers, and will make sure you get lots of vitamin D. But this is going to leave your winters wide open because you’re not going to want to spend them in complete darkness, that would make things worse. So find yourself a job somewhere on the opposite end of the Earth. If you don’t know where that is, check a map: http://go.hrw.com/atlas/norm_htm/world.htm
And what do you find? That’s right, Antarctica. You become a researcher. There’s plenty of ice down there to study. I know, why don't you do some reasearch into whether that climate affects how ice crystals respond to your attitude? For that matter, you could look into rock formations. There are a couple of rocks down there, is what I hear.
Now, if you aren’t quite qualified to be a geologist, no big thing, you just go back to school. Go for the Ph.D. for good measure, that should take care of it. And I bet you can get a nice summer job up north with those kinds of credentials, too.
Oh, and if you need a reference, to get into school or something, I’d be happy to give one. I give really good compliments, and I only charge a minimal fee.
- Miss Eliza
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 9:52 AM
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