So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Dear Miss Eliza and the Halloween horde

Dear Miss Eliza,
My kids brought home 20 lbs of candy after Halloween. Somehow, letting them eat that much junk weighs on my motherly wisdom. I’m afraid they’re going to expand to the size of parade balloons, but weigh a whole lot more. Is there some way to get around this childhood obesity that’s looming on my doorstep?
- Mom of Barney and Bobo

Dear Mom,
Of course there’s an answer to your dilemma, I’m just glad that you caught it this early in their impressionable lives. Five years down the road, the only advice I would have been able to give would be liposuction.

The way things stand right now though, you have another good option. Here’s a good rule of thumb for Halloween candy. Eat it all in one day. This is called a binge. One day binges allow you to get the issue (in this instance candy) way out of your system. You eat yourself to some insane distance on the other side of the saturation line, and immediately after midnight you turn back into a pumpkin.

It is common knowledge that your children absorb less calories from a binge than they would from nibbling on their stash over the course of the whole year. I believe the actually percentage would be 15%, as in your body will accept 15% of the proffered calories, and expel the rest.

Of course, 20 lbs is an awful lot of candy to eat in one day. What if they don’t make it all the way through? Well, candy makes a very nice smell when it burns. But be sure you tell your children what their candy has to look forward to in the future. Otherwise, you would be a dishonest and terrible mother.

Good luck.
- Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 8:10 AM