So Says The Mouse In My Hair

How To Stage An Argument

According to one who would know because he gave me half his genes, I am an abstract thinker.
You’re shocked, aren’t you?

With this realization, I have decided to channel my powers towards the greater good of all mankind. I am going to teach it how to argue. Because, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this, but mankind has got it all wrong.

The first step towards arguing Nirvana is correctly picking your partner. What you’re looking for is a go with the flow kind of person. You don’t want to get in the middle of a brilliant point only to have her stop you and say, "But that doesn’t make any sense!" You want someone who can match you in flexibility, nimbleness and subject jumping.

Next thing you want to choose carefully is your topic. Do not pick something that you hold so near and dear to your heart that you are forced to take it seriously. That gets in the way of amusement. Or, if you do want to argue about this thing, then argue the other side. It’s more difficult, but that also means it’s better exercise. Good topics: pros and cons of McDonalds salads, humvees, or dandruff shampoo. Bad topics: your relationship with your mother, tsunami relief or the catholic church (this last one only if you are devout, for anyone else it’s fair game).

And you’re off. Now what you want to remember is that people today have the wrong focus when they are arguing. It’s not about whether you win or lose or get the last word. What is really important is how smart you look when you say something. That’s important enough for me to repeat it in color.

It’s not about whether you win or lose or get the last word. What is really important is how smart you look when you say something.

Also to be remembered: Logic is much more pliable than they would have you believe. Un-logic (is this different from illogic? Perhaps, perhaps not) is to be avoided at all costs, but pseudo-logic is God’s favorite gift to mankind. Or maybe it’s my favorite of God’s gifts to mankind. Yeah, that’s it. And when inserted into arguments, pseudo-logic (perhaps better known as sophistry, but perhaps not) is a butt load of fun.

NOTE: Use of pseudo-logic is the reasoning behind finding yourself a pliable sparring partner. If you find yourself stuck with an old fuddy duddy who wants your points to conventional sense (as opposed to pseudo-sense) you have my sympathy.

And finally, it is exceedingly cumbersome to have an over arching point that all your little baby points are trying to lead to. It really limits where you can take this thing. So instead of arguing your thesis, concentrate more on "anti-other guy" tactics. Jolly good fun, that, and it really spreads out the playing field and weapons of choice.

With these simple rules you will able to astound your anti-you and entertain listeners everywhere. In the end all sides are left with a sense of profound relaxation and the need to smoke a cigarette.

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 5:53 AM