Dear Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza,My girlfriends all tell me that I shouldn’t let a guy pay for dinner "because he’ll be expecting… well… you know," and that instead of following such fascist and prehistoric cultural norms, I should burn my bra and my garter and my dish cloth. Which is all well and good, but I have no idea what they’re talking about when they just well-you-know their way through it. And since I hate to feel ignorant, I don’t have the marrow to ask what they’re talking about. So Miss Eliza, what is this well… you know that everyone keeps talking about.
- Well… No I Don’t
Dear Well…,
You see when a woman and a man love each other very, very much (or in this case, when he pays for her dinner) he expects her to… umm… reciprocate the favor. You know, it’s the age old story of if I scratch your back then you scratch mine. Only in our analogy, if I buy you dinner then you… you… how can I say this gently?
I’ll just come right out with it because you obviously don’t have a head for intonation. It means he’s looking for a… there’s just no way to say this kindly, is there? Well, he’s looking for a place to watch NASCAR. Sadly, yes. He just wants you for your cable. I’m sorry to be the one to break this to you, but your guy is a mooching loser.
You can break the cycle, however. While burning your bra and your garter and your dishcloth is one way to go, I would instead face the problem by looking for a different type of individual. You see, you can tell a lot about a male by how he finishes the sentence, "can I buy you…" I have included the following as a rough outline, though this in no way exhausts all possibilities.
GOOD
Can I buy you a drink? He wants sex. Which is a much better deal for you than NASCAR.
Can I buy you a stand mixer? He wants someone to replace his mother. It’s still better than NASCAR, and you get a stand mixer. Say yes. Stand mixers are not cheap.
Can I buy you Red Sox tickets? He wants you to know where his priorities lie. And just so you know, he’s got them right. Don’t mess with them. And he’s a keeper.
Can I buy you flowers? He wants you to smile again. He hates seeing you down in the dumps, and he feels your pain, and wants it to go away.
Can I buy you a book? He wants to test you. He has a philosophy about girls and the books they choose and their personalities. Choose the right book or he’ll leave you flabbergasted in front of the magazine rack.
BAD
Can I buy you Yankees tickets? He wants you to sell him your soul. It’s a bad trade. Don’t go for it.
Can I buy you lingerie? He wants you to know you have no style at all. This is an insult. Punch him. Or withhold sex.
Can I buy you a vacuum cleaner? He wants you to bring it over to his apartment and try it out.
Can I buy you chocolates? He wants you to psychoanalyze him. It’s never preferable to get inside the head of anyone who brings up chocolate. Remember the movie Labyrinth? That baby was just a symbol for chocolate. You don’t want to go there.
Anyhoo, I hope I’ve been of some help. Good luck with getting rid of your NASCAR loser.
- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza,
I have moral scruples against drinking coffee. It’s not a religious thing, I just feel like coffee is an invention of higher powers (Possibly Starbucks, but the jury’s still out on that one) who seek to subdue your mental capacities. But as a mental entity free of the devil that is coffee, I take umbrage at members of this culture so uncouth as to ask others to go out for coffee. This question thoughtlessly discriminates against non-coffee drinking members of society. Miss Eliza, could you ask your readers to abstain from asking this question, and also to call their friends on it when faced with this outrage?
-Nimble Greenleaf from east India
Dear Nimble,
You have brought an important matter to our attention. I personally feel ashamed for my past conduct on the matter of going out for coffee (but I swear I didn’t inhale) and I apologize for any hurt or offense my carelessness has caused. However, I must draw the line just short of reparations. I am a poor fake advice columnist blogger. Not the best way to earn a fortune, but I except that all to change, as soon as blogger gets its Lotto blog up and running.
Miss Eliza
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 12:33 PM
4 Comments:
Wow. Thanks for the dating advice Miss Eliza. Now I understand why I know all the NASCAR drivers!
A pitiful state, but it is not too late. You can seek help. For further information on NASCAR abuse, its effects, and how to prevent it, simply call the hotline at 1-888-END-NCAR. They are loving, caring experts who know exactly how to fix things.
Wait, offering to buy a drink is better than offering to buy a vacuum? Or chocolates?
My college years would have been crazy had I known this then!
It's a common misconception among guys. It's a little known fact that they prefer the psychoanalysis over the sex. However, since each feels like he's the only one, he doesn't say anything, because of the apparent sissy factor. And so a whole subculture blooms around the lie that guys only think about sex.
It's true. You can look it up.
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