So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Dear Miss Eliza and the African Banker

Dear Miss Eliza,
I am the manager of the bill and exchange department of an African development bank. We recently discovered an abandoned sum of fifteen million five hundred thousand US dollars in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family in November 2001 in airplane crash.
Wwe have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money but unfortunately we learnt that all his relations died in the plane crash as well, leaving nobody behind to claim the money. Therefore I decided to make this proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin.
To enable the immediate transfer of this fund to you, you must apply first to the bank as relation or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number, your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location wherein the money will be remitted. Upon receipt of your reply, I will help you to fill the text of application and secretly submit it to the bank on your behalf.
I will not fail to bring to your attention that this transaction is hitch-free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer. You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.
Yours faithfully,
MR ALIU KAJA.

Dear Mr. Aliu Kaja,
My darling, it was the greatest pleasure to hear from you after all this time. I was beginning to think that weekend in Fresno was just another sexually infused con job, brought off by a masterful Don Juan. But now, reading your lovely words has renewed my confidence in the bond between us, and I am ready willing and able to follow you to the ends of the earth playing Clyde to your Bonny.

At least I would be if it weren’t for one little hitch, as you so eloquently named it.

I have been cheating on you. Yes, with all these offers of enormous riches waiting for me all across the globe, I have been a greedy little fake advice columnist, and have been claiming dead people’s money left and right. The sad truth is that at this point my name is extremely well known as a fraudulent next of kin in every bill and exchange department of every African development bank in the world. I’ve been put out to pasture.

I’m sorry that I must deliver this news in my column, I know it has to be a shock to you. But I’m also positive that with time and a good therapist you will learn to put my shameful behavior to rest, and love me for the deviant, retired, multibillionaire that I am.

Perhaps some day we will cross paths once more, but if not, remember this. We’ll always have Fresno.
- Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 1:23 PM