Dear Miss Eliza: The Pet Issue
Dear Miss Eliza,My daughter is ten years old and lately she’s been trying to convince me that we need to get a dog. She’s already got 5 fish and a guinea pig, and I end up doing all the taking care of them. I don’t really have the desire to take care of a dog, too. What’s the best way to tell her no?
Pellet mom in Park City
Dear Pellet mom,
Now, she’s just ten, so I’m assuming she hasn’t taken health class yet? What do they do in health class these days, do they have the cool dolls they give out to tell the kids that they aren’t responsible enough to have sex? Remember back in the day? When they used to have to baby-sit eggs? I think that should work in this situation.
I mean you could give her some kind of animatronic dog and have her take care of that for two weeks, but paying for the dog, could take all her Christmas present money. Eggs are much cheaper. They’re also more expendable.
So give her an egg, and tell her the deal. Every day she has to walk it, clean up after it, scratch behind its ears, and feed it. And if she fails to do any of the above, it will prove that she’s not ready to tale responsibility for a dog. And there’s your loop hole.
It takes several forms, for example, eggs are inanimate objects, therefore they can’t eat, so by definition, you can’t feed them. Which means that if her egg was a dog, it would have starved. Which shows, she’ not ready for a pet.
Along, this same reasoning, eggs don’t have ears to scratch behind, so you’ve got another out right there.
And needless to say, an egg is pretty breakable, so you might not even need to get out on the technicality in the first place.
Extrapolating the scenario a few years, this will also be a good way to draw the line on:
Dating
Raising her allowance
Paying for college
Underage drinking
Sarcasm
Junk food
Cell phone usage
Or to promote good habits such as:
Laundry
Hygene
Homework
Respect for grandparents
Doing the dishes
In other words, egg therapy is magic. Use the power wisely.
- Miss Eliza
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 2:17 PM
7 Comments:
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You know, if only spam comments ended in a question mark, I could make some use of them. BUt at least they're nice enough to pretend to give me a compliment. that counts for something that isn't quite something, doesn't it?
What's really sad is that I'm replying to spam coments. how low my expectations have fallen.
No no no - completely wrong. You need to take the old Driver's Ed tactic - show her gross films of un-cared for dogs and houses with dog pee and dog poop all over the place. Then maybe watch the movies Kujo and Max. I mean when your dog attacks your boyfriend while you're having sex because the dog hears your screams and thinks you're in trouble - that thing is not man's best friend, and not worthy of being a pet.
But the drivers ed therapy is like abstinance education, It's good, but you still need to learn to wear a condom, the egg is the condom education.
you can get rid of the spam by going to Settings -> Comments and checking yes to "Show word verification for comments?"
It's too bad spam comments couldn't be more interesting. It's hard to do anything fun with them.
but since they are so boring, I'm just going to have to say goodbye.
Good bye spam comments.
Well, you could always bombard credoninc.com and genealogyhandbook.com with redirected emails from your boy in Nigeria.
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