Dear Miss Eliza for the Sleep Deprived
Dear Miss ElizaSo I'm an east coast football fan who has to wake up early in the morning to get ready for work. I enjoy watching the Sunday and Monday night football games and then the highlight shows on ESPN, but I'm always wrecked the next day. How do I make it through the next day on only 4 hours of sleep and not end up crashing on the drive to work or crashing in my cube?
Sleepy in South Florida
Dear Sleepy,
Thank you for your high octaned, jet engine propelled question.
Why do you think McDonalds is open for breakfast? Once upon a time they established that poor east coast football fans desperately need some place to crash that isn’t going to get them fired or dead. And so they unveiled the Breakfast menu as a philanthropic gesture to those in need.
How it works is this: You go in, you buy your sandwich and you use the password: "crop circle." Then you take your sandwich into the Playland and dive bomb into the house of balls. This causes a fluctuation of spacetime sending the rest of the world off on a gravitational ripple that travels at the speed of light. And since they’re traveling at lightspeed, time is not passing, but you aren’t traveling at lightspeed, therefore time is passing at its normal pace, giving you plenty of time for a few hours of passed out while the rest of the world stands frozen.
Eventually the world ripples back and you are well rested and on your way to work. With the bonus of a McDonalds breakfast sandwich.
If that’s all too complicated, then you’re going to want some place to crash. And since you specifically requested that this some place not be the drive to work or your cube, then you might want to take a little detour driving to work on Monday so that you’re on the drive to not work. This is presumably a perfectly good place to crash. I’d suggest a figurative crash as opposed to a literal one, the figurative is healthier for you and your vehicle. Might I suggest a mattress store? You go in, you find some amazing mattress in a far corner where no one ever shops, and tuck yourself in.
On the other hand, you find the right department store, and they’ll provide you with in-house bed set, pillows, mattress and even a teddy bear if you’re of the cuddling type. And if anyone asks questions, you’re a secret shopper. Get out a notepad and start rating their service.
One more option: get yourself promoted to a corner office with a pullout couch and a TV. Under the right circumstances, you could really pull this off. Then, when everyone comes in and finds you asleep on your couch on Monday morning they’ll assume it’s because you’ve worked yourself to sleep all weekend, and they’ll leave you alone.
So I hope that this has been of some assistance. And good luck to the home team… what is it, the Dolphins?
Miss Eliza
Dear Readers,
Well it looks as though this blog has reached several fun milestones in the last month. For example, it had a birthday! I tuned one. This means, I can stand without support, and I’m about ready to try walking. I hope you’ve got your camera ready.
I’ve already got the first word thing taken care of. For those of you that are interested it was "pickle."
You will also be interested to note that this is the 100th post, and it only took me over a year to get there. I have always been a wee bit behind the curve, but someone has to do it, right?
And you’ll be happy to note that with this post, Miss Eliza has turned… 29… again. A lady doesn’t reveal her true age until she turns 100 and can therefore be called wise. Being Miss Eliza, the keeper of all wisdom, I hold back the truth out of a tiny sense of normalcy and decorum.
So here’s to birthday cake! And thanks for shopping with Dear Miss Eliza. Please come again, soon.
- Miss Eliza
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 11:30 AM
5 Comments:
wow - that's some interesting advice for that poor fella. Since I don't understand physics, perhaps he should pound the coffees in the morning, and take lunch early, and dive bomb into the house of balls and just sleep there. i mean who takes their kids to mcdonalds at lunch time on a school day?
Sneaking under the bedding of a mattress in Sears also sounds promising but I (I mean he) would have to make it look good - i.e. will someone walking by notice the breathing lump.
Sleeping in the office is an option that I've tried (dammit - I mean he) but even better is a modified Office Space approach. Slam the coffee, get to work early/on time, sign into email, then disappear leaving a cell phone and keys (preferrably fake) on the desk. Then McDonalds is an even better idea - the post breakfast, pre lunch lull is sure to see the playland empty and relatively disease free. I will not become George Costanza.
Oh and happy 29th. I also just re-celebrated my 29th about a month and a half ago and this one was better than the last.
As you can tell by the length of this comment, I'm still sleepy and I'm in a vicious cycle: Daily Show and Colbert at 1am. Sleep for 4 hours, wake up at 6. It's not healthy!
so when you say "football" what you really mean is the daily show/clobert report?
You can turn this to your advantage. You get caught with your face planted on your keyboard with the drool all over the place, a nice little Jon Stewart joke is worth the mega bucks in political capital.
And if you hit Sears the right time of year, find the bed w/ the 4 down comforters on it. There's so much pillow built in there, that a human sized lump is completely camoflaged.
well - football alone on Sunday nights, but monday - both.
BTW - I'm currently on an extended lunch break at home (wink wink).
Oh, to be a Spaniard right now.
Hey Miss Eliza,
I'm a former student of Mr gardener.
where do I post my advice questions?
thanks,
Dave RAmone,
dave_the_ramone@aim.com
Well Dave, you have many question posting options. I expect that two would be more efficiant than some of the other choices. So you can e-mail me your question (selizawalden@yahoo.com) or you can plop your question right into the comments section. Either one works very well.
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