So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Dear Miss Eliza on Ritalin

Dear Miss Eliza,
So there’s this attention deficit thing that’s sweeping the nation, right? The kids have it, now they’re finding the parents have it? You might even call it an epidemic. So I’m wondering, right? Why two billion dollars towards the avian flu and not ADD?
Still smelling the roses

Dear Smelly,
See here’s the thing. Since everyone has ADD (except you and me) you can’t really call it a disorder anymore. The New and Improved shorter attention span is now the average, and not the exception. So why spend two billion dollars correcting a problem that isn't even a problem anymore because it's normal?

But since this is the trial generation, we’re still suffering from growing pains. Well, I say we, but what I actually mean is the universe hasn’t adapted to the new specifications yet. And time is still pretty miffed at us for not fully appreciating it… it’s a long story.

But the point is, that since people are just fine and it’s the universe that’s out of touch with reality, there’s no amount of money that you can throw at this problem to get it fixed. So the administration decided that perhaps it would be better off spending money on its favorite national pastime, creating terror and panic in the hearts of its constituents.

I hope that sheds a bit of light on the subject.
Miss Eliza

Dear Miss Eliza,
I’m writing to you today because I want to spread public knowledge about a growing problem: that of people writing in books. I had a terrible experience with this myself recently, I found a spoiler written in the early pages of All the Kings Men. I found this book at a second hand store. I’m sure the note scribbler never thought that his book would be passed into the unsuspecting hands of someone like myself. Who ever thinks that the books in his librarywill someday be in someone else's posession? But it can happen. It can even happen to you, so please for the love of posterity, tell your readers not to write in books.
Ignorance is bliss

Dear Ignorance,
Thank you for your note of caution, and I’m sorry about that spoiler. It was my fault. I teased George for years about how he could never see anything coming in literature, and ever since then he’s been on an enormous quest for symbolism, and for some reason, can’t find any better place to comment on it than in the book.

I can assure you though, that he had no intention of it falling into your virgin hands. But some how in the divorce, his wife ended up with half his library, and that woman never had any appreciation for the signs of intellect. You know how it is.

Suffice it to say, I’ll never let it happen again. Spoilers are traumatic and evil and unnecessary. It is good to have these reminders right before our eyes.
Miss Eliza

Dear Reader,
Well, let’s pretend that I was a smelly bum slouched on the sidewalk with a coffee cup in my hand. Do you just step over me saying, "If I give her a question, she’ll only use it to buy liquor." Or do you smile pityingly and drop a scrap of paper into my desperate grasp? I guess what I’m saying is that I am metaphorically begging you to send me a question. And you have no idea how bad I feel about playing the guilt card.

So to ease my pain, you have two choices. Post a question for Miss Eliza in the comments section of this blog, or dash it off in an e-mail to selizawalden@yahoo.com
Thank you and good night.
Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 6:00 PM