So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Dear Miss Eliza: How to Nourish Your Religion

Dear Miss Eliza,
I just got back from a trip to southeast Asia. While I was there, I had something of a religious experience, a John Smith moment, so to speak, and now I’m feeling the spiritual tug that begins the journey of inventing a new religion.
Now some would say it was just a bout with bad shellfish, but that vision of the merman rising out of the sea to discuss matters vital to humanity really affected my psyche. I now understand that all humans are connected by the bond of our inner Clam, who guides us towards a life more in tune with our natural state of sea salt.
But I digress. How do I go about founding a religion?
- All clammed up

Dear clammy,
Can I call you clammy? Good. Well, you are on the right track. Any religion worth its salt (pardon the pun, it just slipped out) starts with a crazy person. Crazy people hallucinate. But crazy people aren’t always ok with being crazy. (It happens.) These are the types that refer to said hallucinations as "visions."

So now that you've established that you have a good foundation for starting a religion (since you are crazy and it would appear that you're determined to ignore that fact) the next most important part: followers. Crazy people like to tell themselves, "Well, if other people believe me then I can’t be that insane, can I?" But think about it. You talked to a merman about salt. Who’s going to buy that? In today's cynical climate, no one. Which is why much groundwork needs to be laid in the general population before you take your vision public. You’re going to need to make them dumber. The less a person thinks, the easier suspension of disbelief becomes.

So, good techniques for stupidification? Remember the following:

The television is your friend. It informs your future congregations that not thinking is a perfectly acceptable state to live a life in. In fact, it encourages and teaches the masses how to go through life without using a single brain cell. But TV primed brains are going to need to get their opinions and values and lifestyles from somewhere and you will be able to provide that service for them.

Go go gadget doodad. Those fun inventions that people come up with to make life easier and more convenient? They’re your friends. Cell phones and remote controls and atomic colliders and bottled water are all working to make life more efficient and less thoughtful. Invest in a gizmo inventing type company. It will be worth it in the long run.

Do some research into ADD. It will show you how to hold people’s attention.

Give people coffee.

Convert someone famous. I would advise you to get Paris Hilton under your wing. Who doesn’t want to be like Paris Hilton? Famous followers will also get you free press on the celebrity hungry press junket, you know US Weekly and E! and People Magazine etc. (Speaking of which, buff up a little, a sexiest man alive nomination could really do a lot for your cause.)

Hmmm, now that I think about it, the world is probably about ripe for a clam based religion. All you need is a snazzy name. How about the Universal Chowderians?
- Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 6:38 PM