So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Dear Miss Eliza: Mind Your Mother

Dear Miss Eliza,
My grandmother is very hard to please. It doesn’t matter what I do, but I’m never doing the right thing. I need to lose weight, but I look so skinny. I’d be a great pianist, no wait. Accountant now. Sorry. Did I mention she’s sort of fickle? And don’t even get me started on politics. Because I’m completely wrong there. You see, none of my bumper stickers say anything about Ralph Nader. I wear the wrong clothes. I use the wrong toothpaste. I watch the wrong movies. How can I make granny happy?
will-o-the-widow

Dear Will-O,
Today’s generation is not taught to respect its elders. They know more than you because they’ve been around longer. And who needs to make his own mistakes when his father’s mistakes are still perfectly fresh? Think of all the money you’ll save (on hospital bills and divorce lawyers and therapists) by doing everything right the first time because everyone before you has done the wrong thing for you.

The moral of the story is: Listen to your grandmother. This will have the following consequences.

She will like you more than all of her other future heirs because you care about her and respect her enough to pay attention to her and put your trust in her judgement. You will be her favorite. This is a great way to save money.

She will pay for you. All you have to do is explain that you’d love to attend the college she picked out and wear the dress she picked out, and eat the food she picked out. You want it more than anything. But you just can’t afford it. And then she’ll take care of everything. Of course, if she’s as fickle as you say she is, then it will take rather more time to get something done, but it will be worth it because

At some point she’ll remember you in her will. Which is why it pays to be the favorite. (that was a pun. I know. I’m sorry.) And what does the favorite usually get? Yup. The house. And it’s always nice to have one of those handy.

So you may not get to do what you wanted to do when you were growing up, but on the bright side, you managed not to make any mistakes getting there because you listened to the batty old wisdom of your dear old grandmother. And you get the house as a consolation prize. Now tell me that’s not worth it.
- Miss Eliza

Dear Readers,
Are you lost? Broken? Missing your batteries? Never had the bateries to begin with? Feeling flat? phony? fishy? Fried? fried fishy? Do you need a good slap in the face? shot in the arm? spilled coffee on the lap? Miss Eliza's here to help. It's jsut lucky for you I'm so easy. All you need to do is send me a question. Just write it on the inside of a computer screen and post it here in the comments section OR e-mail it to me at selizawalden@yahoo.com and remember, it's like my Paddy used to say. "Ain't no three ways about it, when two will get you there."
- Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 5:35 PM