So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Dear Miss Eliza's Resolutions

Dear Miss Eliza,
I’ve been hearing quite a bit of controversy lately on the subject of New Years Resolutions. A lot of people are saying that new Years resolutions don’t work, or that we should just decide to accept ourselves as is. So what do you think Miss Eliza, should I bother with my New Years Resolutions?
Dis Resolute

Dear Dis,
They say that life is about compromise. And since every human is really two humans (you and yourself), this includes you compromising with yourself. You’ll give up smoking but you’ll let yourself have her caffeine binge in the morning. You’ll lose 30 lbs but yourself will put on 25.

That’s what They say. And when did I ever bother listening to Them? Compromise is settling. And no one ever sucked life’s marrow by settling, now did they? But the most important thing you will ever learn is not to settle for yourself. It is the nature of man not to be his best. This means that you can do better. You just have to resolve to do it. And you have to resolve to do it during the coming year (hence New Year). When else do you have to do it?

This is all well and good until you look at statistics. New Years resolutions made in January have a success rate of nil. It’s true. You can look it up in the Guiness Book of World Records. The longest a January declared New Year’s resolution has ever been kept was 4 days 19 hours and 3 minutes. (for those of you that weren’t aware, the record holder resolved never again to watch an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.)

But if you look at the data month by month, you’ll find that New Years Resolutions made in September have the highest success rate. They last, on average 236 times longer than New Years resolutions made in January. Heck, just waiting until February improves your chances by 55%.

So as my Paddy used to say, hasty equals wastey, time equals mime.
Miss Eliza

Dear Miss Eliza,
I made a new Years Resolution to lose 20 pounds. But everyone is telling me that I don’t need to lose weight, I look great just the way I am. My mom especially is worried that I might develop an eating disorder. What can I do?
5’5 and 125

Dear 125,
How brave of you to be so honest with us about this. Here’s how it should work. Obviously outside opinion holds weight with you. But equally obvious is that you want to join in on the dieting fad. But at 125, you probably don’t have all that much extra to spare. So here’s what you do.

You go on a diet. It’s called the December diet. You eat like it’s December. The candy canes, the fudge, those little pink candies with the peanut butter in the middle, the Christmas party food, the Christmas Eve party food, the New Years Eve party food, the Christmas dinner with all the fixings. Eat like that all year long.

By the time you get that negative comment about how much weight you’ve put on, you should have at least 20 pounds to spare. Then you get off the December diet and get on the harvest diet, which is where you eat lots of food that you get from harvesting. So apples and gourds and corn and ham.

And then everybody’s happy. Even you.
- Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 7:47 AM