So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Dear Miss Eliza Hiccups... Excuse Me

Dear Miss Eliza,
I always get the hiccups in the middle of class, and they’re always a lot louder and more noticeable than anyone else’s. In fact I think I might be the only one who ever gets the hiccups in class. And all the other kids start looking around to find out where it’s coming from, and chuckling about it. Then the teacher gets sort of annoyed because no one’s paying attention to her anymore, and I’m al embarrassed and feel bad and everything. So Miss Eliza, got any good cures for the hiccups?
- Hic

Dear Hic,
Did I ever tell you about the time I had the hiccups at work and had to page someone over the intercom? That was fun. You’ve gotta try it.

Every old wife that ever existed came up with her very own cure for the hiccups. My paddy used to tell me that for his mama, 13 shots of vodka was the magic number. Worked like an oar in a frog pond, was the way he always put it. Then there’s the old hypnosis where you kindly explain to your innards exactly how they’re supposed to be doing their job. But I’ve had a lot of hiccups in my days and I’ve tried a lot of cures (my favorite was when they said I should listen to Yellow Submarine while laying under my bed to promote sneezing), but without fail they worked about as well as a fad diet.

And then one day I saw this infomercial that changed my life. It was one of those kitchen gadget ones, I think the thing was called an Elecro-Multi-Wizbanger. It cooked any meal for you in 15 seconds. Now I wasn’t too into that, but the little Spritz-O-Matic that they’d throw in free really caught my attention.

It was this really tasty hair spray for your mouth that was supposed to boost your olfactory stimulators, and your house would smell like you’d been baking all day. Or at least that’s what the hair spray was supposed to tell your nose that your house smelled like.

So maybe it didn’t work quite like they said it would. Whenever I tried it, I konked right out. Normally I’d wake up two days later in a hospital bed. Unless nobody found me, and then I’d wake up two days later lying on my kitchen floor with a gash in my head and smelling like cat. So this one time I had a bad case of the hiccups and I went to my bathroom cabinet for the inhaler that my doctor had said that his great aunt always used to cure her hiccups. But I was a little dazed, and must have grabbed the wrong bottle because next thing I knew, I’m being spoon fed Jell-O and watching The Price Is Right. But MY HICCUPS WERE GONE.

So you gotta try this stuff. I think you can still only get it from the TV, but it’s only 8 easy installments of $39.99 and you get this dinner zapper thing too. And that’s not a bad deal when you consider it’s a surefire way to fix what ails you.
- Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 3:59 PM