Dear Miss Eliza: Time Management
Dear Miss Eliza,I am in ninth grade, and I have so much work, it seems like there is never enough time to get it done, between work, school, and friends, I feel like I cant get enough done, and at the rate I'm going I might never graduate. help!
sincerely,
*John doe
Dear John,
Did you know that a "rate" is a change in something divided by a change in time? If not, give yourself four years, you’ll have it figured out.
So if this is the definition of a rate, you can make yourself more efficient by increasing your change-in-something, or decreasing your change-in-time. The change-in-time thing could be a bit difficult, but you could find a way to hop on a photon (that’s a light particle) and taking it for a little ride. Did you know that time doesn’t pass when you’re traveling at light speed.
More feasible though, would be an increase in your change-in-something. What you want to do is get your brain circuits working at full speed. The average ninth grader’s brain speed is a tiny fraction of its possible speed. The most common algorithm says one divided by ten times ten, fifteen times and followed by a % sign is how much of your potential speed you've already tapped into. You'll want to fix that. So here are some exercises for upping your brain efficiency:
-Play chess.
-Eat books. Did you know that knowledge is contained in books in the form of calories? So when you eat a book, you’re increasing your knowledge base at a much higher rate than osmosis. (Osmosis doesn’t work as well as they like to insinuate, in the end you end up leaking as much as you gain.)
-Play outside.
-When you’re referring to the third person singular with an undefined antecedent, use the word "she" instead of "he" It takes a little extra effort, and effort is all about pumping up those other brainwaves.
-Learn to crochet.
-Argue with people. But don’t argue something like a thesis. And don’t take it seriously. And don’t argue with someone who takes it seriously either. Even so, it’s an argument, not a debate, and try to keep the difference in mind.
-Don’t watch TV. Write it instead.
-More vegetables, less gravy.
-Re-decorate your bedroom uysing nothing but pasta and papier mache.
-Buy a graphing calculator and learn how to do all its functions by hand so that you don’t need it. -Hike the Appalachian trail, or at least a portion of it, and mentally explore the idea of what that means. And don’t take too much water. It gets in the way of valuable hallucinations.
-Speaking of hallucinations, spend a little time being schizophrenic. It can really help your career.
-Get in touch with Hunter S. Thompson in a séance.
So that list should take you about 4 years to get through. By that time you’ll be ready to get back to your schoolwork, and then it’ll make much more sense.
- Miss Eliza
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 11:14 AM
6 Comments:
you know, that actually made sense, and I know someone(ahem) who will love to read this.
you know, when my advice starts to make sense you really need to check your premices.
I usually play 3 hands of chinese checkers and argue with Cuban exiles while using the hyperbolic sine function to plot my increase in change-in-something over time. It's a bitchin' way to kick-start your noodle!
Why does the sine function get all the attention? cosine's just as cool, but nobody every pays him any attention. It's so hard growing up in someone else's shadow.
When i'm not sine's jock, I'm all over the cotangent. Because sometimes I like my speed limit at infinity.
Yeah baby
and here I thought top speed was 186,000 miles per second. Where have i been?
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