Dear Miss Eliza and the Passive Aggressive Revenge
Dear Miss Eliza,My brother and I just had a pretty bad fight and he called me some rather nasty names. I’m not the kind of person to let something like that go very easily, but I also don’t want to get into another huge confrontation over it. Is there any nice passive aggressive type way I can exact some revenge on him without him knowing?
A miffed Eliza
Dear miffed,
I’d like to take a moment to introduce you to the wonderful world of spam. Did you know it was invented to exact revenge on an ex boyfriend? Did you know that ex boyfriend was King Solomon who went on to write a very famous little ditty about a woman scorned? It’s true.
And while he may not be an ex, spam is just the level of passive aggression you’re going for here.
Now you could go the route of putting him on a penis enhancement list, but I find the old fashioned forward to be much more endearing. You have the daily jokes, or the money making scams that Microsoft is offering today, but I find the hardest to resist, and the most time consuming, are the surveys. So I’ll get you started. And since I can’t get past one of these without answering it myself, it will also be a chance for you to get to know more about me.
Name: Dear Miss Eliza
Age: seven, although you’d never know it to look at my diction
Home town: Ever since I heard "you’re not from around here, are you?" in my very own home town, I haven’t been sure how to answer this question.
Favorite drink: But I’ve barely scratched the surface of drinks. How should I know?
Favorite book: You know you don’t want to get me started on that one. It turns me into a real bore.
Favorite word: non sequitur, zaftig
Favorite swear: it’s also a nice movie quote. "God damn son of a bitching mother fuckin’ shithead!"
Favorite State quarter: I’m a fan of irony. I’m going w/ New Hampshire
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? My mattress is actually made out of stuffed animals. It was an arts and crafts project they had at that place where all the walls were padded.
UFO’s fact or fiction? Look at the people around you. Do you really think they came up with central heating all by themselves?
Finish this sentence, "Mary had a little…" pink elephant.
Does sunscreen cause cancer? I don’t plan on living long enough to find out.
If you were cooking dinner for a date, what would you make? Well, with my kitchen looking like this I’ d have to go with chocolate covered ramen with orange slices in a nice tomato baste.
Someone walks up to you and says, "The crows are flying east today. How do you reply?" No sir, they aren’t moving at all. It’s us that are headed west.
Longest relationship: I met Dick and Jane when I was about 5. But Spot was always way nicer to me than they were.
Best feature: my afro. No, I meant MY afro.
What do people like best about you? That I only hit them when they aren’t paying attention.
Who did you vote for? Richard Nixon. He just looks so noble.
Who is your worst enemy? Those giants that look just like windmills.
Who is your best friend? Sancho Panza
How do you like your meat cooked? With a little orange juice and served with gravy.
Who is most likely to respond to this survey? Kilgore
Who is least likely to respond to it? Zaphod
So that should take care of the first day’s forward. You’ll want to keep coming up with others. Get him in touch with some foreign investment banks, maybe a send-this-to-10-people-or-die type thing. And don’t forget the good old fashioned pie in the face accidentally on purpose. He’ll never see it coming (As long as you try it when he’s sleeping.)
- Miss Eliza
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 12:32 PM
3 Comments:
Cool - Here are my answers. Can you predict my future?
Name: Sucka, One Mean a.k.a the Sultan of Samarkand
Age: for the second year in a row - 29
Home town: Kabul, Afghanistan (West side)
Favorite drink: Jamba Juice Carrot Shake mixed with Coke syrup.
Favorite book: Tajikistan, the Book - by Khan Steward.
Favorite word: fococta (sp?)
Favorite swear: "recker frecker" - F. Flintstone
Favorite State quarter: Canada
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? That's a loaded question. Some people call me a stuffed animal (rowr!)
UFO’s fact or fiction? The truth is out there. NBA baller Sam Cassell knows.
Finish this sentence, "Mary had a little..." p...uhhh...patience.
Does sunscreen cause cancer? No. People who use sunscreen cause cancer.
If you were cooking dinner for a date, what would you make? I'd start with a delicious cucumber salad with a sweet vinaigrette dressing, then on to some baked chicken marinated with a lemon sauce with a hint of curry served with steamed vegetables and a pilaf of Spanish long grain rice and for dessert some tiramisu. This can all be prepared in the hot and cool zones on the Red Devil Grill (TM) at a very low cost due to some engineering concerns.
Someone walks up to you and says, "The crows are flying east today. How do you reply?" Like Tom Hanks playing Uncle Ned on that very special episode of Family Ties, "The eagle has landed, the fat man walks alone."
Longest relationship: Me .... and my shaaaaaa-dooooowwwwww ...
Best feature: my custom made Armarni suits and my designer Rolecks watch all highlighting my 18 3/4" pipes.
What do people like best about you? Probably the fact that I can belch the national anthem of Djibouti.
Who did you vote for? Bush. Reggie Bush. For Heisman
Who is your worst enemy? Osama Bin Laden and Bill O'Reilly during the week, and Sandy Duncan and Rae Dawn Chong on weekends.
Who is your best friend? My Buddy (TM) (can also answer the stuffed animal question) - wherever I go, he goes.
How do you like your meat cooked? Preferrably on a stove of some kind. (See the Red Devil)
Who is most likely to respond to this survey? Mildred
Who is least likely to respond to it? Gary Glitter
Happy Thanksgiving
Your future:
Tomorrow you're goign to get to see how well your airbags are working, but things really start looking up later in the month. Why not go for broke and try a new cologne? Like magic I tell you. By the end of the year, you'll hav learned the rcipe for oyster crackers, better yet, you come up with a secret ingredient that will forever stay between you and the patent clerk.
In the middle of your wild fame, the sex drugs and rock'n roll, you begin to feel the rug sliding out from under you, but things are worse than they look through your blood shot eyes, and it's all you can do to keep out of Leavenworth.
All the while, you're searching for meaning in your life, and finally you learn of this new religion where all pay tribute to the mightiest being: the clam. All hail.
After that things get fuzzy. Your future is fading from my view. It's all I can do to grab at a couple lottery numbers I see:
14, 19, 27, 33, 38, 42
Oh my god! i just switched colognes. And my birthday's on the 27th! You are so gifted!!!
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