So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Dear Miss Eliza: The Face That Only a Radio Could Love

Dear Miss Eliza,
I'm trying to break into radio. What's the best way to get my start?
Sincerely,
Ayem Effem

Dear Eh-hem,
A good voice on the radio must be learned. We do not naturally come up with the necessary pomposity and delusional thinking. It takes years of study to mold your brain into shape. Start now. Enroll in seminary.

Preachers have more in common with the Rush Libaughs and Al Frankens of the world than anyone would care to admit. But the things you learn in seminary will serve you well in your chosen profession. How to talk for extended periods of time. How to always be right. How to make other people do what you tell them. And most importantly, How to make them love you for it.

Granted, the hazing systems at seminaries are far less regulated than you’ll find at an ordinary school. It’s a grueling process, but as they say, what goes in comes out so much better. Look at Daniel in the lions' den. Heck, look at any saint that was ever martyred.They go in looking human, and by the time they're finished being martyred, they may look a little worse for wear, but come on. They're saints. Anyway it’s worth it. So surrender yourself.

Now once seminary's over you’ve got your tone down to perfection. All you need to survive in radio is that level of obnoxiousness only found in People-With-A-Cause. So of course, you’ll need a cause. Here are some that are still waiting to be swept into the main stream:

Steroid use among chess players
Apples as a cause of cardio pulmonary distress
Federal aid for Acrophobics
The amount of candy in piñatas

And since any cause worth its name has an enemy, you’ll need someone to hate. Since, theoretically, the point of radio is to get people to listen to you, you’ll need to hate someone that lots of other people hate (and is adored by everyone not in that category) so that everyone will listen to you because they agree or if they disagree they’ll listen to you because they love the way you get their dander up.

Good enemies:

Reality TV
Jesus
Ted Stephens
Julia Roberts
Second cousins once removed

So now you’ve been baptized by fire. You preachiness is at an all time high, as is your self righteouness (thank you seminary). Your tone is dripping with excessively opinionated statements. All you need is a night with a hooker and the papparatzzi (they LOVE threesomes) and you know you’ve made it.
- Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 11:55 AM