Dear Miss Eliza Has Fleas
Dear Miss Eliza,Lets say that I was to tell you about my friend "Buddy." Buddy has fleas. It’s not my fault. I’ve told him about all kinds of treatments, and every sort of flea prevention known to man, but he just won’t listen to me. Plus he still has fleas, so when I’m around him, I spend all my time killing them. Suggestions?
Flea Ring Circus
Dear Flea Ringer,
As I see it, your problem is three fold:
How to kill the current flea infestation.
This will immediately pose your second problem:
What to do with all those dead fleas.
And once you solve that problem:
How do I keep the fleas from coming back.
So lets take this in steps:
How to Kill the Current Infestation:
Anyone who’s watched even one iota of day time soaps knows there’s only one sure fire way to get away with genocide of fleas. And that is to let them watch television. You see television watching comes in stages: Brain rot, tooth rot, body rot. And since fleas have neither brains nor teeth to rot, television will skip right to body rot.
What to Do With Those Dead Fleas:
Since this is genocide, you aren’t going to want to leave traces of evidence for the UN, the EPA, the ASPCA, the CIA, or the NCAA to find the next time they try sniffing through your trash. You’re going to have to be a little inventive. Food is always a good choice. Stuff them in your mother-in-law’s lobster. Those things have so much gunk in them anyway, she’ll never notice.
Also a good idea, craft projects. Knit a nice blanket for Buddy out of all those carcasses. This will have the added bonus of being a warning sign to a new generation of fleas.
How to Keep Them From Coming Back:
Well new generations of fleas are products of old generations of fleas, correct? So what you want to do is stop those old generations of fleas from reproducing. (Warning to Catholics: you may find this offensive.) What you are looking for is a contraceptive. That’s right. Buddy needs a condom. (I’d recommend the pill, but a condom will not only solve baby flea problems, but will also protect against STD’s.)
And so, as my Paddy used to say, "no rubber, no rub ‘er."
- Miss Eliza
posted by Sarah Eliza @ 3:38 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home