So Says The Mouse In My Hair

Dear Miss Eliza: For the Financially Unstable

Dear Miss Eliza,
So I started trading stocks online and put most of my money into a company that recently announced financial improprieties. Sure I was warned to diversify and I did. I bought half in stock, and half in stock options - for the same company. How am I going to make my money
back and pay off my margin call? And what should I do next tome to prevent this from happening?
Sincerely,
Trading Decimal Places

Dear Trader,
Happily enough, you’re two questions have just one solution. Isn’t that wonderful? The key to the solution is simple. My Paddy put it best. He said, "If it ain’t fixed, it don’t hurt to break it."
I’m sure that from that one saying, the answer has become perfectly obvious. You just have to become One-of-Them. You happen to find yourself in a position of utmost authority in some shining example of one of this country’s leading industries. You plop yourself into one or two financial improprieties.

This will have several effects. The first is that you’ll make an ass load of money (which you can then use to pay off your margin call). The other bonus is that you’ll have a nice inside scoop of when to bail out, and this will avoid your being left out in the brutal world of worthless pieces of paper.

Still, you might worry that being One-of-Them is a selfish, self-centered, self-serving occupation. But don’t worry. If worry anything of the sort, that just means that you don’t know anything about anything, and you should leave judgements on such things to people who do know.

And if perchance that you’re worried about the world finding out about your financial improprieties, you’ve missed the point. Because a week before it did find out, you’d have divested yourself of all your stock (and stock options) and would at the present time be living out the remainder of your days in a lovely country that is not this one.

So good luck on that. And don’t forget that if it works, and you find yourself with more money than you know what to do with, I get a cut for giving you the idea.
- Miss Eliza

posted by Sarah Eliza @ 6:09 PM