Dear Miss Eliza: Forgot Your Final Yet?
Dear Miss Eliza,
This is finals week. And wherever I turn I see evidence that it is finals week. The school newspaper is completely about finals week. There is free food being given out in the student center because it is finals week. My roommate has a clock counting down to the end of finals week. All the bulletin boards everywhere have advice about how to deal with the stress that is finals week. That’s stupid. What I need isn’t to be reminded that this is finals week. I need to forget that this is finals week. How do I do that?
- Final Solution
Dear Finally Solved,
As my Paddy used to say, “The best distraction is a good distraction.” So true. So what’s the difference between a good distraction and a stressful one? You guessed it. The level of stress. And where is the level of stress the lowest? Among people who don’t know what the word means.
There are two ways to interpret that. You can hang out with ignorant think skulled plebeians who get kicks out of kicking people. This is violent and crass. And I know (from the simple fact that you were thoughtful enough to write me a letter) that you are not a violent and crass type of person. Therefore.
The other place that you are going to find people who don’t know the meaning of stress is on a playground. How do I know that? It’s called a playground. See? PLAY ground. A ground for playing. And playing is what you are doing when you are not stressing. So get up a good game of dodge ball or tag. Hide and seek. Hopscotch. Four square. Duck duck goose.
(I’ll tell you, I haven’t been able to get anyone to play duck duck goose with me in forever. You can sign me up for that one please.)
There are rules. You aren’t allowed to play with people your own age. They know what stress means. They’re going to feel it. You throw a ball at a physics student and he’s going to argue that no, it didn’t hit him. At the microscopic level nothing ever touches anything else. You do not need to be reminded in any way shape or form that you’ve got… ugly things to do this week.
Besides, if you play with the younger set, stealing lunch money becomes exponentially easier. (And that’s not stressful at all. That’s why it’s called easy.)
- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza's Christmas Budget
Dear Miss Eliza,I have 3 children under the age of 3. (That is a crazy story, I won't get into the gory details, if you don't mind.) And this is the Christmas season which means that I have to spend 1000s of dollars of them. But you know what this season is like. My heating bill for this month alone is $145 and it costs me over $40 whenever I want to fill up at the pump. So you could say I'm on a budget. This being the case, just how much should I spend on each of my 3 kids this season?- Santa's siphoned helperDear siphoned,So you've had your kids for what, up to 3 years a piece right? And you'll have them for what up to another 15 years minimum (and don't forget, when it comes to kids it's NEVER the minimum.) You're going to have plenty of opportunities to spend money on them.
Christmas in its current manifestation has become a drain on financially inadequate families everywhere. There's only one thing to be done. Convert to Judaism.
How much money will this put in your pocket? Let's do a little math. You have 3 kids under the age of 3. If you're that type of person, it's probably safe to assume that you aren't done. I'd even go so far as to call it a safe bet that you put another 3 little buggers in your shopping cart before it's all said and done.Going conservative, that means you have another 21 Christmases to go before they even move out of the house. And another 4 before you don't have anyone left as a dependant. (again, roughly speaking) And Christmas doesn't stop there. You have to get them presensts EVERY year until you don't have years left. We'll be optimistic. Let's say that's 40.So you will be buying Christmas presents for 40 years. This means that for quite a while you're going to have to put up what $150, $200 per kid? We'll go with $150. You are on a budget after all. This year that means $450, adding 150 a year for the next three years puts your total Christmas expenditures (just on the kids, mind you) at $2700. Plus $900 a year for the next, what 20 years? We'll say 25. That's another $22500 right there.By that time your kids will be off on lives of their own and self supporting (Ha!) and you can scale back your Christmas budget to $30 per child (you old Scrooge) so $30 times 6 is $180 a year. Still just on the kids. We'll leave grandchildren out of the equation this time. $180 times 15 years is $2700. Which brings your Christmas spending on your children over the course of a lifetime to $27900.
Now when it comes to money I always end up comparing things to school. So that's 4 years of tuition at an in-state public university. You could send one of your kids to college if you didn't have to buy them all Christmas presents. Those Hebrews have the right idea. If only they'd thought of the Chanukah tree we'd all be golden.-Miss ElizaDear Readers,Tis the season, is it not? And as we all know the season is one of caring for the well being of your fellow man. In this spirit I would like you know know that I too am seeking donations. Fear not, I seek only donations of questions. You question could very well bring joy and laughter to they who need it the most. If you would like to make a questionable donation, write it down and e-mail it to me at selizawalden@yahoo.com OR post it in the comments section, which can be found directly underneath this letter. Thank you for your help in this matter.- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza Yearns For The Day...
Dear Miss Eliza,
I love the 90's. 90's music is so much better than the crap they're playing on the radio today. Even the one hit wonders were better. What can I do to recapture that long lost feeling? Should I start a radio station and just have it cycle through my MP3s? That may cost a lot of money. Help!
Sincerely,
The Spin Doctor
Dear Spin Cycle,
Why is it that when you say "one hit wonders" and "90’s" in the same letter the first thing that comes to mind is "That Thing You Do" and not the Macarana? Maybe this is just another manifestation of my passive aggressive obsessive compulsive bipolar senility.
But I have good news. The matrix (as in The Matrix) is set up to make you think it’s 1999. As long as you don’t mind sharing the energy you generate with a couple artificially intelligent droids, you can just get yourself set up in a little pod in a cozy little corner of a people garden and live happily in a perpetual Twentieth Century while daily enjoying such lost fare as "Larger Than Life" and "Blue."
This will get you closer to your goal, but it isn’t going to hit it dead on. It’s widely acknowledged that music hit its prime (pardon me, its most recent peak, which is not equivalent to the hey day of good old rock and roll) between 1995 and 1997, and it has since been in decline. This decline coincides with the rise of the bubble-gum-slut-clones. A tragedy by all counts.
It is debated whether the bubble gum slut clones or the boy band clones were the actual facilitators of the downfall. Some say that the boy bands in and of themselves were painful but harmless on their own. Others argue that it was this boy band obsession that gave rise to the slut, which spelled disaster.
But the point is that by 1999 this transition was well under way. You want to go further back than the Matrix. I’d suggest a Kevin Smith movie. Go with Mallrats or Chasing Amy, which one you choose will probably depend on your opinion of Ben Affleck, and whether you’re looking to find some Joan Osborne on the radio. (For these reasons… and the fact that I liked it more, I would stick with Mallrats.)
Have a good time, and if you run into me, let me know that I could save myself a lot of stress if I just pick the right major the first time around.
- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza's Wish List
Dear Miss Eliza,
I’m making up a list of things I’m giving to people for Christmas, and I got to your name and realized I have no idea what to get you? Well, what’ll it be?
- Secret Santa
Dear Santa,
There are some Really Good People out there in the world who will answer questions life this with goodwill and altruism. They will say things like, “I want to head down to New Orleans and help build houses for Habitat for Humanity,” or “I want everyone to be able to afford for feed themselves and still be able to pay for heating oil.” Etc. Now, as I already said, these are Really Good People, and these answers are extremely noble and kind, and everything else that is Really Good.
I’m not one of those people. I have things that I need, and other things that I want, that have nothing to do with Katrina or earthquake victims or oil prices (unless you want to give me a gas card.) You could even say I’m a Really Not Good Person, and you’d be right. So with that understanding, here’s my wish list. It really comes down to three categories.
I really do need a new computer. And by need I mean that mine is starting to get really pissed at me for not letting it go gently into that good night.The rest of these are just to make my life more comfortable or happy.
Big huge pillows
The Perfect Winter Coat. (WARNING: The perfect Winter Coat is a very specific item and I would not advise you to attempt to pay for one unless I’m there to tell you that it is indeed the Perfect Winter Coat.)
Cute pajamas
socks (can be of the very-thick, knee, or novelty variety)
Books: for the list of books to choose from, see my post on why the publishing gods hate me. Or, if you want to make things easy on yourself: a $50 gift card to a bookstore… any bookstore.
movies: Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy or Fever Pitch (The Red Sox fans edition, if you please)
Here’s my attempt at being noble: I want people to stop with the stupid. It drives me crazy. You can do better. There’s a mind in there of your very own that will do whatever. You just have to try it. LEARN and APPLY and THINK and stuff. You’ll be better off. And that will make me happy. I promise that you don’t even have to agree with me. We can have some really fun arguments if you don’t.Stocking Stuffers:
- I collect shot glasses, decks of cards and chess sets. Or at least I would if I had enough to call them “collections.”
- Mugs. I saw a great one yesterday that said, “I don’t listen to the voices in my head. But they do have some pretty good ideas.” But really, any mug would rock.
- Tea
- Candles that smell like dessert is in the oven… pumpkin pie, apple pie, gingerbread, cookies, cake, etc.And don’t forget the Christmas cards. If you write me one, I’ll write you one back, ok? Thank you Santa.
- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza: For the Financially Unstable
Dear Miss Eliza,
So I started trading stocks online and put most of my money into a company that recently announced financial improprieties. Sure I was warned to diversify and I did. I bought half in stock, and half in stock options - for the same company. How am I going to make my money
back and pay off my margin call? And what should I do next tome to prevent this from happening?
Sincerely,
Trading Decimal PlacesDear Trader,
Happily enough, you’re two questions have just one solution. Isn’t that wonderful? The key to the solution is simple. My Paddy put it best. He said, "If it ain’t fixed, it don’t hurt to break it."
I’m sure that from that one saying, the answer has become perfectly obvious. You just have to become One-of-Them. You happen to find yourself in a position of utmost authority in some shining example of one of this country’s leading industries. You plop yourself into one or two financial improprieties.
This will have several effects. The first is that you’ll make an ass load of money (which you can then use to pay off your margin call). The other bonus is that you’ll have a nice inside scoop of when to bail out, and this will avoid your being left out in the brutal world of worthless pieces of paper.
Still, you might worry that being One-of-Them is a selfish, self-centered, self-serving occupation. But don’t worry. If worry anything of the sort, that just means that you don’t know anything about anything, and you should leave judgements on such things to people who do know.
And if perchance that you’re worried about the world finding out about your financial improprieties, you’ve missed the point. Because a week before it did find out, you’d have divested yourself of all your stock (and stock options) and would at the present time be living out the remainder of your days in a lovely country that is not this one.
So good luck on that. And don’t forget that if it works, and you find yourself with more money than you know what to do with, I get a cut for giving you the idea.
- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza and the Perfect Season... May It Live Always
Dear Miss Eliza
So I'm a Dolphin fan and as you must know - in 1972 the were the only team to ever go undefeated and win the championship. 17-0. What an achievement, especially for a nice guy like Don Shula. And coincidentally, This Friday is the 20 year anniversary that the 1985
Dolphins handed the then undefeated Chicago Bears their only loss of the season on Monday Night Football - preserving the 1972 mark. You remember those Bears. Walter Payton. The Fridge. Ditka. The bad rap video. Well, for the second time since then another team is threatening the undefeated season. The Broncos in 1998 were undefeated a week before they were to meet the Dolphins on Monday Night Football
(drama) but they lost the week before. Then for good measure they lost to the Dolphins too. Anyways, the second team is this year's Indianapolis Colts. And they don't play the Dolphins this year. And besides the Dolphins suck this year. And unlike the nasty 85 Bears, there's not an unpleasant fellow on this Colts team.
Short of voodoo dolls and elixirs from displaced New Orleans practitioners, What's a Dolphins fan to do?
StreakerDear Streaker,
Good grief, Voodoo would barely put a dimple in this problem. You want to appeal to a higher authority. You’ll need to get the schedule changed. And since pro team schedules were set in stone five years prior to the big bang, that might take some doing.
Fortunately, I hear on the gossip mills that Hercules has been getting a little antsy lately, acting up again. Apparently he owes Hera another labor or two. You might want to put a word in with her. Of course, the key is getting on her good side. You’d be surprised how susceptible she is to flattery. (You ever herd of butter? It’s cement compared to how fast she can melt with the right touch.)
But back to Hercules. If anybody can get this job done for you, he can. That man/god is a type A personality if I ever laid eyes on one. And he gets things done RIGHT. The other day I told him I lost my parasol down a black hole, and he went and got it for me! And a couple years ago when Mom was late for her dentist appointment, He just popped time back a couple hours just to help her out. And do you really think that Einstein thought of special relativity all by himself?
Hercules can save the Dolphins rep for you. Boy if I was a bettin’ woman…
- Miss Eliza
