Dear Miss Eliza: Don't Forget The Popcorn
Dear Miss Eliza,
I run a major Hollywood studio, and I’m not sure whether you’ve noticed this or not, but we’re not doing so hot. 2005 brought in less money than 2004 which brought in less money than 2003. People just aren’t going to the cinema anymore. What can we do to get people into theaters?
Mirimaxed Out
Dear Harvey,
Where to begin? How about with the sequels. There are 44 sequels coming out in the next twelve months, and the numbers have only been increasing in recent years. Relying so heavily on sequels shows that you suffer from a lack of originality. Yuck. There’s a screenwriter out there picking up your trash as we speak. Do you know what goes on in the life of a garbage man? It’s a fantasy adventure waiting to happen and your garbage man is just the guy to tell you. (And if it’s written by a REAL garbage man, it will be not only creative, but authentic.)
So
Rule #1: Each major studio is entitled to ONE, I said ONE, sequel a year, and said sequel must open in theaters before March first.
Next thing you need to do is do away with Oscar season. We shouldn’t have to wait until December to see a quality movie. It really screws with the Top 10 lists. When you get to December without seeing a single top 10 type movie, you’ve hit a snag. Now you’ll have to see at least 10 movies in the theater in one month. That’s more than two a week. And a man’s budget just can’t stand up to that. So he’s going to end up NOT seeing your movie which means he WON’T put it in his top 10 list, so buh bye to that publicity.
Rule #2: One Oscar contender should be released each month. Studios can draw lots to see who gets which month.Pay attention, this one’s important. Ticket prices are
TOO FRIGGIN HIGH. And in case you didn’t catch that, let me repeat myself. Ticket prices are
TOO FRIGGIN HIGH. And there is ABSOLUTELY no excuse for charging $10 per ticket. Heck, there’s no good excuse for charging $6 per ticket. Not to mention the fact that you have advertisements (the advertising kind even) before the previews start. What, does Coca Cola pay you nothing to put their name on every one of your orifices? Must you still take it out of my pocket? I’m talking about my movie ticket pocket here, not my movie concession pocket. (Don’t get me started on popcorn, I mean that stuff isn’t made of gold and you have to stop pretending it is.)
Answer a question for me. Who in their right mind is going to go to a theater and pay $15 for one ticket and a small popcorn to sit in a freezing movie theater (saving on the heating budget) and watch 10 minutes of ads, 20 minutes of previews and 2 hours of movie when they can wait 6 months pay $5 and keep the movie for a week? (Or better yet, they could pay $25 (which is cheaper than taking two people to a movie) and keep the movie forever?
You’ve got some seriously screwed up wires in your heads.
Rule #3: Ticket prices should be no higher than $5. Popcorn and beverage prices should run as follows. Small: $1. Medium: $2.50. Large: $5. And I mean it on the garbage guy. He may be dirty, but that doesn’t mean he’s stupid.
- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza Chats Up A Storm
Dear Miss Eliza,
My friend told me that chat room were a great way to meet guys. But they’re so predictable. I go into a room and some guy’ll PM me and asks asl. Then: am I single? And then it invariably leads to him trying to get my cyber clothes off. It’s so stupid! How do I get a guy to talk to me about real life in a chat room?
Ageless Sexless and LocationlessDear American Sign Language,
As my Paddy used to say, "why do they even bother calling them chat rooms?" And he’s right. It’s actually a game room. And since you can’t see their boards and they can’t see yours, lets call it a game of battleship.
Chat Room Battleship: Male vs. FemaleMale objective: This should be fairly obvious. You’re trying to sink her thong.
Male Rules
-You are allowed one introductory/come on line before you ask her asl.
-Upon receiving her asl you must ask, "what do you look like?"
-You are allowed one comment on her appearance before you ask if she is single/has boyfriend/is married.
-Steer the conversation towards sex.
-At some point you must interrupt the flow of the conversation and ask if she has MSN?/Yahoo, etc.
-You have won when you enter the never ending cyber sex cycle. Congradulations.
NOTE: 10 points rewarded for each question that she answers appropraitely.
Female objective: As you have stated, you are looking for conversation. In this sense conversation is defined as consistent remarks from each party of at least ten word sentences which utilize a subject a verb an adverb two adjective and 3 words of at least three syllables. So basically, you’re going for depth, wit, and charm.
Female Rules:
-You are not allowed to answer stupid questions. Stupid questions may be defined as those which are boring or over used.
-On half of the occasions in which the conversation stalls you are only allowed single word statements until he starts conversing with you again. (And this uses the definition applied earlier). In order for your wishes to be fulfilled, but partners must contribute equally. This means that he must contribute half the conversation topics.
-Flirting is legal, but must remain strictly G rated.
-Always be polite. Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and ‘you’re welcome’ when appropriate.
-Arguments are perfectly acceptable, but keep them good-natured. This is supposed to be fun after all.
-Attempt to break convention from time to time. Say something outlandish or silly. You can even go so far as ridiculous. And if ever he seems confused (and if you’re playing the game right, he will) you must not back down from your statement. Instead, back it up. Clarify or expand.
NOTE: 10 points for each stupid question that you refuse to answer.
NOTE TO BOTH SEXES: 100 points deducted if you break off the conversation first.
And now, let the games begin!
- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza: Whither the Weather
Dear Miss Eliza,Why is it that whenever it’s rainy enough to pull out your umbrella, it’s too windy to use it? What could the gods have been thinking to invent such a useless phenomenon?- Bluster the Sopping Wet BearPostcard for Bluster:
Chaos theory tells us that everything exists for a reason. (No it doesn’t.) The mosquito sucks your blood because without insect bites we would not develop immunities to common diseases like the avian flu. The stars are this far away because the teacher didn’t want note passing in the middle of class. It’s distracting. Trees and flowers pollinate so that we can improve our sneeze flinging distances. Wind and rain accompany each other in order to remind us that man cannot overcome nature.
It is a lesson in humility. We always think that we’re more impressive than nature, that whatever happens we’ll be able to adapt and fix and come out on top. But this is nt so, and the umbrella is a superb example.
Sure, it was a grand idea. Man said to himself, "If we could put this sheet on a stick and hold it over our heads, then we can stay dry when it’s wet outside." Ten points to the hero who figured out how to get the best of the rain. But hero, don’t you think you might have forgotten something? Aerodynamics perhaps?
Because the gods have answered your human sized logic with a simple yet elegant solution. "If we push the air around while the rain pours, then their paltry sheets on sticks will collapse into a soaking puddle, and we will remain supreme once more. Man will learn his place if we have to beat it into him with sleet and hail. He thinks he’s so smart telling himself what to do and thinking of his own ideas and fighting us. We’ll show him."
And ever since, man’s umbrella has been battered and tossed and broken by the wind, and he must hang his head to keep the rain out of his eyes. And so, soaking wet with his head bowed low, he must make his way humbly through the storm.
Miss Eliza
Miss Eliza And The Next generation
Dear Miss Eliza,
I’m worried. So much of our current knowledge is in mediums that are either easy to destruct or literally intangible. What happens when some day in the future, the screen has become obsolete because holograms are the thing, and our planet is so close to the sun that the surface temperature of the Earth is 452 degrees Fahrenheit? What record will be left of this culture? Of me? Of my dog?
Fear The Future
Dear Future Fret,
There’s nothing to worry about. No matter how far into the future you look you will still find two types of people.
1.
Consumers: Where there is life there is consumption. And where there is intelligent life (and isn’t that after all what we mean by posterity? Future intelligent life?) there are:
2.
Advertisers.
And as long as there are advertisers you can be sure of finding the esteemed wrinkles that make up the reporters of 60 Minutes. These hard-nosed pull-no-punches investigative reporters will always find the answers, whether the question is, "how safe is your bottled water?" or "just what were our ancestors like?"
Mike Wallace will find out for the future generations just exactly what the lost society of modern civilization was up to. Morley Safer will be able to explain just what the Macarana was all about (and give a sample on-air). And Andy Rooney will bitch about how much air he pays for when he buys potato chips.
But don’t worry. 60 Minutes will not be the be all and end all of investigative journalism. Barbra Walters will be so kind as to shed a softer light on the subject Bob Barker will be there to ask how much the toothpaste costs. Casey Kasem will be counting down America’s top 40 while Dick Clark counts down the last seconds of the old year.
So you can sleep comfortably tonight my frightened fellow. Our culture will live on. And we have advertisers to thank for it.
- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza: The Inhumanity!
Dear Miss Eliza,
So I’m in the Bush administration… not one of the big guys, I just make the coffee. But I’m… you know… ambitious. I want to make myself look good, so I’m trying to come up with cool ways to get around this McCain torture bill that just passed… you know, in case this unitary executive branch thing doesn’t turn out to hold water. Got anything good I can use?
[name deleted for protection]Dear nameless,
Hmmm, how can we get around this issue of being cruel and inhumane? Well, in order to be cruel and inhumane it has to be cruel AND inhumane, so if you destroy the argument that torture is one or the other, you’re all set. So…
Lets start with what it means to be humane or inhumane. Everywhere you go you hear people arguing about humane treatment of animals right? And why would it make sense to be treating animals like humans? So humane can't be describing the animals which means it must be describing the caregivers. So humane must be a description of the one acting, and not the one being acted on. Then if the one acting is acting human-ish, he’s being humane. Well that makes sense.
And what does it mean to be acting human-ish? That would be displaying qualities that are distinctly human, like putting faith in the unseen or paying $15 for snacks at a movie or running a red light. It is showing creativity and imagination, and thinking outside the box.
Therefore, the more creative the form of torture, the more it proves that you are indeed being humane, which by definition means you are NOT being INhumane, (for you grammar nuts out there, a double negative is perfectly acceptable as long as you capitalize the negative parts) so you’re good.
Of course this means you will have to stay away from conventional form of torture, so no pulling off fingernails or toenails or reading Vogon poetry, or threatening of family members (or dismembering of said family members) because those have already been tried and hence, no innovation required, which is inhumane.
In fact (And Bush will love me for this) I’m not even going to go into those forms of torture which would be considered creative because as soon as I name them then you didn’t have to think of them yourself. This means that you are not using your imagination, and are being inhumane, which means you’re right back where you started: the unitary executive branch.
- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza: Razor Sharp
Dear Miss Eliza,
My boyfriend’s hair is getting pretty shaggy. And maybe I should be ok with him doing whatever he wants with his hair, but I’m not. It brings back traumatic memories of my dad. He had long hair too. But that’s not traumatic, the traumatic part is that Dad was a circus clown, and I was always scared of circus clowns. As a matter of fact, I still am, and I’m afraid if my boyfriend’s hair gets any longer, he’ll become a circus clown. What can I do?
Girl With the Pearl Scissors
Dear Pearl,
In the boy-girl debate, the subject of change is inevitable. You find things wrong with him and he finds things wrong with you and everyone pretends to ignore those things until, as my Paddy liked to say, "Those elephants ain’t just in the room, they’re sleeping in your bed. A whole herd of em, too. It’s just no good, I’ll tell ya that."
He’s right. Two people simply cannot live with a herd of elephants. I tried it once, and it was no fun. They don’t pick up after themselves. They clog the toilet and break all the good china. (No wait, it’s bulls that break all the china, elephants are great with it.) They create mountains (literal mountains) of dirty laundry. You can’t take them anywhere because they never look both ways before doing anything.
In the end you’re fed up and exasperated and blaming anything elephant related on your significant other, which means that you can forget about a nice romantic Valentines Day, and no relationships has ever survived without those nice romantic Valentine's Days.
And that’s where you’re heading Pearl. To the elephants. You don’t want that. I don’t want that for you. You'll need a 5 step plan to avoid that toilet trouble.
1.
Stop shaving. (Don’t worry, it’s not permanent.) At some point, he’s going to notice. (This will take longer than you expect.) At some later point, he will feel distressed to the point where he’ll have to comment on it.
2. When he does, then
explain to him (over his favorite dinner) that you were under the impression that he was a great lover of hair, and only wanted to please him. And when he asked where on Earth you got that idea you...
3.
hold a mirror up to his head. Laugh at this point, you’ll need to keep things light.
4. In that vein, this is the time to
serve dessert: Jell-O. If all has gone right, he’ll grin sheepishly and suggest a mutual shaving party.
5.
Take him up on it.
And you’ll both be as baby soft and smooth as a hockey rink after the zamboni makes a pass.
- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza: On The Trail of Truth
Dear Miss Eliza,
Can truth exist independent of reason?
Perry PondererDear Periwinkle,
The truth is, no. One can only prove the existence of truth by proving its existence. And one cannot have proof without a reason. This is an excellent example. I proved the truth of my statement by using reasons.
But the brilliance is not in the statement here, the brilliance is in the application. Think of all the things you can whistle out of existence based on the fact that they’re unreasonable.
Reality tv cannot exist because it is reasonable that it does not. For it to exist it would have to be profitable and in order to be profitable it would have to be watched repeatedly, and in order to watch it repeatedly, one must find it enjoyable and in order to find it enjoyable one must be incapable of thinking about it and in order to be incapable of thinking about it one must not have a brain and in order to not have a brain, you must be at least a worm, and since worms are incapable of purchasing products advertised on tv, no one is going to make reality tv shows, therefore they do not exist. (This reasoning process also works for Britney Spears)
Corrupt government officials cannot exist because we live in a republic, and if an official is corrupt we will vote him out of office, at which point he will no longer be a government official. Not to mention the fact that since we have no corrupt officials in the government, that means they are all working for the public good, and since our society today is the result of said work, that means that where we are right now is the public good. That’s a comfort, isn't it?Quantum physics is no longer valid because an object either exists or it doesn’t. It cannot fluctuate willy nilly between the two states. In fact it cannot fluctuate between the two states whatsoever, let alone willy nilly. This means that we require no quantum law of gravity which means that general relativity explains everything that ever existed which means that it also explains the existence of God.
So Perry, look at all the things that you have caused no longer to exist. You are a true genius, and should be widely recognized as such.
- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza: Mind Your Mother
Dear Miss Eliza,
My grandmother is very hard to please. It doesn’t matter what I do, but I’m never doing the right thing. I need to lose weight, but I look so skinny. I’d be a great pianist, no wait. Accountant now. Sorry. Did I mention she’s sort of fickle? And don’t even get me started on politics. Because I’m completely wrong there. You see, none of my bumper stickers say anything about Ralph Nader. I wear the wrong clothes. I use the wrong toothpaste. I watch the wrong movies. How can I make granny happy?
will-o-the-widowDear Will-O,
Today’s generation is not taught to respect its elders. They know more than you because they’ve been around longer. And who needs to make his own mistakes when his father’s mistakes are still perfectly fresh? Think of all the money you’ll save (on hospital bills and divorce lawyers and therapists) by doing everything right the first time because everyone before you has done the wrong thing for you.
The moral of the story is: Listen to your grandmother. This will have the following consequences.
She will like you more than all of her other future heirs because you care about her and respect her enough to pay attention to her and put your trust in her judgement. You will be her favorite. This is a great way to save money.She will pay for you. All you have to do is explain that you’d love to attend the college she picked out and wear the dress she picked out, and eat the food she picked out. You want it more than anything. But you just can’t afford it. And then she’ll take care of everything. Of course, if she’s as fickle as you say she is, then it will take rather more time to get something done, but it will be worth it because
At some point she’ll remember you in her will. Which is why it pays to be the favorite. (that was a pun. I know. I’m sorry.) And what does the favorite usually get? Yup. The house. And it’s always nice to have one of those handy.So you may not get to do what you wanted to do when you were growing up, but on the bright side, you managed not to make any mistakes getting there because you listened to the batty old wisdom of your dear old grandmother. And you get the house as a consolation prize. Now tell me that’s not worth it.
- Miss Eliza
Dear Readers,Are you lost? Broken? Missing your batteries? Never had the bateries to begin with? Feeling flat? phony? fishy? Fried? fried fishy? Do you need a good slap in the face? shot in the arm? spilled coffee on the lap? Miss Eliza's here to help. It's jsut lucky for you I'm so easy. All you need to do is send me a question. Just write it on the inside of a computer screen and post it here in the comments section OR e-mail it to me at selizawalden@yahoo.com and remember, it's like my Paddy used to say. "Ain't no three ways about it, when two will get you there."- Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza's Resolutions
Dear Miss Eliza,
I’ve been hearing quite a bit of controversy lately on the subject of New Years Resolutions. A lot of people are saying that new Years resolutions don’t work, or that we should just decide to accept ourselves as is. So what do you think Miss Eliza, should I bother with my New Years Resolutions?
Dis Resolute
Dear Dis,
They say that life is about compromise. And since every human is really two humans (you and yourself), this includes you compromising with yourself. You’ll give up smoking but you’ll let yourself have her caffeine binge in the morning. You’ll lose 30 lbs but yourself will put on 25.
That’s what They say. And when did I ever bother listening to Them? Compromise is settling. And no one ever sucked life’s marrow by settling, now did they? But the most important thing you will ever learn is not to settle for yourself. It is the nature of man not to be his best. This means that you can do better. You just have to resolve to do it. And you have to resolve to do it during the coming year (hence New Year). When else do you have to do it?
This is all well and good until you look at statistics. New Years resolutions made in January have a success rate of nil. It’s true. You can look it up in the Guiness Book of World Records. The longest a January declared New Year’s resolution has ever been kept was 4 days 19 hours and 3 minutes. (for those of you that weren’t aware, the record holder resolved never again to watch an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.)
But if you look at the data month by month, you’ll find that New Years Resolutions made in September have the highest success rate. They last, on average 236 times longer than New Years resolutions made in January. Heck, just waiting until February improves your chances by 55%.
So as my Paddy used to say, hasty equals wastey, time equals mime.
Miss Eliza
Dear Miss Eliza,
I made a new Years Resolution to lose 20 pounds. But everyone is telling me that I don’t need to lose weight, I look great just the way I am. My mom especially is worried that I might develop an eating disorder. What can I do?
5’5 and 125
Dear 125,
How brave of you to be so honest with us about this. Here’s how it should work. Obviously outside opinion holds weight with you. But equally obvious is that you want to join in on the dieting fad. But at 125, you probably don’t have all that much extra to spare. So here’s what you do.
You go on a diet. It’s called the December diet. You eat like it’s December. The candy canes, the fudge, those little pink candies with the peanut butter in the middle, the Christmas party food, the Christmas Eve party food, the New Years Eve party food, the Christmas dinner with all the fixings. Eat like that all year long.
By the time you get that negative comment about how much weight you’ve put on, you should have at least 20 pounds to spare. Then you get off the December diet and get on the harvest diet, which is where you eat lots of food that you get from harvesting. So apples and gourds and corn and ham.
And then everybody’s happy. Even you.
- Miss Eliza
